I do not trust my own instincts because, well, have you seen my track record?
This has never happened before.
I actually stop on the pavement and say ‘huh’ out loud.
Then, of course, my phone buzzes and comes up with his name.
Joshua: Hey Gretel, I had a really lovely time tonight. It would be great to do it again soon. X
The perfect post-date message. The message we all hope for. Straight away. ‘I liked our time together.’ Bish bash bosh. No game-playing. Saying they want to see you again. Oh, you’ve clearly hit it out of the ballpark. One kiss at the end. Already. Just the one. But one is good. Any other number of kisses at this point would be weird. All in all, as I said, the perfect message. It says, ‘I like you, and I’m not going to be a dick about saying as much or play games, but I’m still a normal human who isn’t going to pin all my hopes on you.’
Way to go, Josh, I think. I don’t deliberate about how to reply. Or squeal with happiness. I just think, I hope Megan hasn’t eaten my bloody eggs, and then speed-walk home to check.
? Easy Breezy Lemon Squeezy – Gretel’s Guide to Messaging Between Dates
* * *
The most important thing to remember about messaging between dates is that none of them mean anything. They’re just fun, ok? Their only real purpose is a) to sort out admin details, and b) to flirt and entertain.
Certainly no woman worth any worth is going to read anything into them, obsess over their content and their own replies, and jump into the air like a startled cat whenever they receive a new message. Like, who does that? Not Gretel, that’s who.
Definitely do not reply straight away regularly. That’s an instant way for him to lose his hard-on. The minimum reply time is an hour. Not because you’ve set an hour timer on your phone, but because you’re literally just too busy being amazing and fabulous and Gretel to have time to reply sooner.
Make sure every message you send will make him smile in some way. Cheer up his day. Cheer up his life! Not too often though. Don’t want to freak him out with all your availability. You need to strike the perfect balance of reassuring him you’re thinking about him, while also reassuring him that you’re not constantly thinking about him. Keep in mind that he’s probably messaging other girls too. That’s cool. You’re cool. That’s so totally fine, ISN’T IT? I mean, you are totally messaging other guys too. And by ‘messaging’ you mean receiving unsolicited photographs of pubey, flaccid penises; constant requests for bra sizes; hate mail from that psychopath you dated three months ago calling you a ‘slut’ for not sleeping with him and considerately telling him you didn’t want to see him anymore; countless messages from people who literally cannot spell; countless messages that just say ‘hey’ at you, over and over again, followed again by good ol’ ‘slut’ when you don’t reply. And you regularly look at your phone in complete despair and wonder how anyone meets anyone when it’s so obvious all men are broken and you can’t believe you’ve managed to find one, just one, you’ve vaguely clicked with so you’re pouring all your remaining hope into him and cannot fucking believe it’s been two hours now and he’s not replied and you have no idea if he’s going to ask you out again and you may cry if he doesn’t … yeah, he doesn’t need to know all this. All he needs to know is, like, you’re totally playing the field too. This over-ploughed, scorched mess of a field scattered with the decaying corpses of all your past hopes … So, yeah, a really good message to send is a frothy cool one to let him know how busy and fun and spontaneous you are. One like: ‘I’m out in so-and-so playing badger-themed, glow in the dark, minigolf – you should totally join!’ or ‘OMFG did you know you can currently buy mint choc chip Viennetta for a pound?’
* * *
Gretel: Did you know you can currently buy a mint choc chip Viennetta, a whole one, for only a pound?
Joshua: No way? I love those things! Where?! Other than in my dreams?
Gretel: Iceland. Yes, I’m a classy broad.
Joshua: Can’t talk. On my way to Iceland.
Joshua: *Sends photo of a mint choc Viennetta*
Gretel: I can’t believe you actually got one!
Joshua: Do you