side of twenty-four-hour choices. “Nico is really miserable. Seriously, I’ve never seen the guy like this.” He studied the list of food as though his life depended on it, his intense gaze about to burn a hole right through the wipe-clean surface. “I think I’ll take a hotdog with everything on it and a malt shake.”
I picked up my menu between my thumb and forefinger, trying to avoid touching the combined crusted remains of someone else’s mustard and ketchup. “Yeah, maybe the deli would have been better. But why would I care what Nico’s doing?” I said it with just the right amount of flippancy. “I’ll have a hotdog, too.” See, I was thinking about food. I really didn’t care at all.
“Jay.” Saint waited until I looked at him. “You’re just being stubborn. You know what? Actually, you’re being kind of an asshole.”
“Me?” I spluttered my indignation all over the table as I tried to signal to the bubble-gum popping teenager behind the counter that we were ready to order.
“Yes. You are.” He sighed. “Why are you judging Nico on his past when he’s been nothing but good to you since you started dating?”
I gave up on the girl and slumped as low as I dared in my booth. I didn’t want to get too close to the table, which gave off the smell of the bacteria-ridden cloth that had been used to wipe it.
“I might be acting like an idiot,” I mumbled.
“Yeah?” Saint half stood. “Well, now that we’ve got the easy part out of the way, let’s go somewhere decent while we figure out how to fix it. And there’s no might about it.” He cast a glance in the direction of the counter, but the girl was staring at her phone and had stuck her earbuds in. “Twenty-six years it’s taken you to admit that bit about being an idiot, by the way.”
He led the way from the diner and the first blast of fresh air might have been sent by God himself.
“Are we going to the deli?” A strange feeling took hold of my insides—somewhere between anticipation, expectation and pure dread that I might see Nico.
“Probably. But we can always get takeout if you feel too awkward.”
We wandered across the coarse gravel parking lot to Saint’s car. As we stood by it ready to climb inside, he spoke again. “Look, Nico loves you. And I trust he will always do right by you.”
I looked out to the road.
“I’m not just blowing smoke up your ass, Jamie. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t believe it. And as much as I had a rule, and maybe this is the very reason I had the rule, I think you should rethink things. Nico is worth it.” Then he opened his car door and got inside, leaving me with his words forming connections in my brain and regret blooming in my gut.
That night, I sat on the balcony outside my room. I looked over the pool and the rest of the yard, up into the hills. The moonlight played on the surface of the water, and the scent of chlorine mixed with that of Mom’s flowers. That smell reminded me of every summer ever when I’d been growing up, and sadness filtered through me that things had to change.
I rested my foot against the glass balcony surround. Ugh. I had a lot of changes to make—exam to pass, job, apartment to obtain. All of it required being too adult.
But those three things weren’t the biggest issues on my mind, although they were pretty huge. The thing really bugging me was whether I wanted to do any of those things without Nico in my life. Could I see a future without him in it?
Mom had always told me that people regretted the things they didn’t do, and when I imagine my two futures—the one without him and the one with him in it—the one I regretted not choosing most was the one with him by my side.
I scuffed my foot against the toughened glass again. So maybe Saint was right. Maybe I was a stubborn asshole. I needed to get over Nico’s past and remember all the reasons why I loved him. I couldn’t blame him for a past I hadn’t been part of.
If I didn’t forgive him for things that weren’t really his fault, I’d be missing out on the best thing that ever happened to me.
26
Nico
September
I rested my forehead against the window and looked out of my office