nodded. I could see where this was going. It was always different with the next guy.
He held up his hands. “No. Don’t look like that. I mean it. They were nothing serious. Not like with you, Jamie, because I love you. I. Love. You,” he repeated.
“I…” I lurched to the side slightly as my bravery disappeared. “I need some space. I can’t do this right now. I just...” I shook my head, the movement slow and disorienting. “I can’t.”
I left the room. Shit, and I’d thought about coming to work with them. Saint had dropped enough hints that a position might become available. But I couldn’t. Not when I’d be a laughingstock in an office where half the staff knew the size of Nico’s cock, or what position he liked best, or the face he made when he came.
But I couldn’t face going home. I didn’t want to curl up in my bed where Nico had been. I didn’t want to chance seeing my parents. I didn’t want to be alone and wandering around in my own fucking thoughts half the night.
So, I called a cab and went to Tori’s. At some point on the ride, the tears came, and they wouldn’t stop, and when Tori opened his front door, I was bawling like a kid and wiping my nose on my sleeve.
“Shit, dude. Get in here.” He grasped my elbow and pulled me into his home. “Holy crap. Did someone die? Is Nico okay?” He shut the door firmly behind me and flicked the lock as questions poured from him. “What do we need? Alcohol? Drugs? Coffee? A gun? Has someone hurt you?”
I started shaking my head and nodding all at the same time until I laughed then cried a bit more, and he just held me until the sobs finally died away.
“It’s Nico.”
“Is he okay?” Tori shot straight back to concern, and I closed my eyes and concentrated on inhaling deep breaths so I wouldn’t start crying again.
“I don’t know. No. Yeah. Yeah, he’s fine. He’s okay. He’s just…he…” How could I put it? “He’s slept with a lot of people at the office.”
“Oh… okay. I gotcha.” Tori nodded. “Nico is a manwhore.” He shrugged. “Some guys are.”
I looked up at the ceiling and closed my eyes again. The casual way Tori said it, it didn’t sound as bad out loud as it did bouncing around my head with the image of all those eyes on me and whispers surrounding me
“But…but… Where does that leave me?” The words I wanted to wail came out as a broken whisper.
“Aww, honey.” Tori threw his arm around me. “We’ve all got a past. Granted, I’d kill to have a past that successful, but I think the question you need to ask yourself is this: can you look beyond Nico’s past? How far back are we talking? Last year? Last month? Yesterday? And the next question is, can you accept him for the man he is today?”
24
Nico
The world wasn’t steady. I remained upright through sheer will alone. My legs shook and my fingers trembled, and my head buzzed. My eyes blurred with hot tears, and I brushed them away with the side of my fist.
Holy fuck. Shit. I couldn’t… I just couldn’t. What just happened? I mean… I glanced around at everyone still in the room, none of them looking at me, all standing in awkward huddles, apparently completely immersed in their quiet conversations, and I sank back against the wall, letting it take my full weight.
Shit. I could count the guys in this room that I’d slept with on my fingers, and I’d thought Jamie knew about my past. It just hadn’t seemed… It hadn’t been important anymore. I didn’t think I had to rehash it for him. Compared with how I felt about Jamie, none of the other guys were important anyway. They didn’t even exist. Not now that I had Jamie.
But now Malcolm—stupid, jealous, fucking Malcolm—had told him in the very worst way, and it had been like an explosion instead of how I would have told him…and Jamie somehow thought he understood. But no. He couldn’t possibly understand this. Or how I felt about him. Not if running out was his reaction.
I tried to feel angry. Like, why did Jamie get to punish me for my past? But I couldn’t. I loved him too much to feel angry. And maybe I deserved his punishment.
I definitely deserved it.
I should have just told him everything. But why would it matter?
My