I’d betrayed his wishes, my elation over being kissed by Nico receded and slowly the guilt increased.
I sighed and focused out of the windshield.
The guilt won.
10
Nico
Ahh, Monday morning and a helluva lot worse than the weekend. Shit…I’d messed up big time. Even the basic décor of my office seemed to mock me. As I waited for Jamie, the books on the shelf that he’d admired the first time he came into the room passed their own silent judgment on my behavior.
I rubbed my hands over my face and added a couple of gentle cheek slaps for good measure. Then I stood and went to my coffee machine—more through sheer need to do something than any necessity for more caffeine. I glanced down at my trembling fingers as the bitter smell of over-roasted coffee beans rose from the thin stream of brown liquid pissing into my cup.
Fuck. Waiting for Jamie after kissing him Saturday night was killing me. I didn’t know what had come over me at Hot Toddy’s.
Lies.
All lies.
I knew exactly what had come over me – I’d had nearly thirty-six hours to scientifically examine every moment of that time in a detailed postmortem. So, I knew.
I just felt so much shame about it.
I’d gone out like before. Actively looking for someone who resembled Jamie Caldwell enough that I could spend another weekend fucking him out of my head. I wanted to wake up this morning, satisfied and strong. Like I could ignore Jamie. Not imagine him blowing me under my desk, not trying to control a dick that wouldn’t listen to a simple order to stay still, not trying to focus on client cases while battling a painful awareness of the intern in my room.
I blew out a sigh before taking a too-big sip of scalding coffee. My tongue burned, but I didn’t care. Better a numb tongue than one that could remember being inside Jamie’s mouth. Self-punishment—always a good place to start after a disastrous weekend.
Oh, Saturday evening had started out well. I’d spotted the perfect Jamie doppelgänger dancing almost to his own beat on the edge of the dancefloor and made my way in his direction. Something about the way his body moved with the music as if responding to the primal beat had my cock rock hard before I even reached him, but as I’d taken his hips in my hands and bent closer, inhaling a familiar cologne, I knew.
Jesus Christ. I’d known. And I still wound my arms around him and pressed closer. I’d blazed a trail of desperate kisses up his neck because he was in my arms—right where I wanted him to be.
Worse, right before I closed my eyes and gave in to the forbidden man, I’d caught sight of his friend peering at us from through the crowd of dancing bodies. He’d flashed me a cheeky grin before the dancers moved again, and I couldn’t see him anymore, but my shame and my lies were a matter of public knowledge.
I tightened my fingers around my coffee cup until my knuckles whitened.
As soon as I saw Tori… Shit, as soon as I knew I had Jamie in my arms, I should have walked away. Oh, who was I kidding? I shouldn’t have even gone. If last time I saw Jamie at Hot Toddy’s wasn’t a big enough alarm bell not to go back, I was a dumber shit than I knew.
But in a blast of music and the illusion of anonymity, sweaty pheromones, and a lack of control, I’d held him. Then, when my dick ached with need and the desire to kiss his mouth had become more than I could bear, I pushed aside the remains of my self-control and gave in.
When I turned him, in that very first moment, his eyes had held shock. Possibly terror, but then he’d kissed me back. And the moment had been the sweetest victory I’d known in a long time. Only now I couldn’t get that fucking kiss out of my head. Every time I closed my eyes, I imagined Jamie’s soft lips against mine, the tentativeness of his tongue as he’d eased into exploring my mouth, the harsh gasps of his breath… And the hard rod of his cock as it pressed against mine.
But he’d pulled away, and I’d seen the shadow of fear and regret in his eyes. And Tori had grabbed him, and they’d left. Even when I called his name, they’d left.
I shook my head again. Shit. I just couldn’t shake