the sentiments, but I appreciate them.
Alexei is at my side, taking them all with a respectful nod. Until it is Sergei’s turn. He toasts to the baby’s good health. But the tone of his voice suggests otherwise.
And I realize this is a dig at Alexei. At his hearing.
And I don’t understand this man. This father. The one who has made it so difficult for Alexei to allow himself to care about anyone or anything. I realize this is why he must keep himself locked in his house. Away from the world and people like Sergei.
His father tossed him away like trash. Told him that he was defective. Even here now, beside me with all these men who respect him, he is not comfortable. I wonder if he still feels that way. I wonder if he is afraid like me. Afraid to let me in, for fear I will do the same. Like his mother. And like Katya too.
The present distance between my husband and I is immeasurable, but I lessen it by reaching for his hand beneath the table. A silent show of solidarity. That he is not alone in this world. That even if he can’t ever love me, I understand him. And I am loyal to him.
His fingers close around mine, warm and strong. He accepts what I offer him, and I think he is grateful for it.
And then Nikolai takes it upon himself to interrupt his father, standing up to make his own toast. When he meets Alexei’s gaze, there is remorse in his. It is clear how much Nikolai respects his brother, even if he has not shown it in the past.
I wonder if Alexei can see that. If he can see how much Nikolai admires him. How much so many of these men at the table admire him. Or if he can only ever see that his own father doesn’t.
“To new beginnings.” Nikolai raises his glass. “I know you will both make great parents. This child is blessed already. Like with everything he does, I have no doubt Lyoshka will lead by example. Setting the bar high for all other Vory who enter fatherhood after him. And to Talia. He could not have picked a woman better suited than you to take this journey with. I wish you both the best.”
He glances at Sergei, who is grinding his jaw with the false smile he wears.
“To my family,” Nikolai finishes.
The rest of the table toasts, and Alexei shifts in his chair beside me. It has not escaped my attention that he’s hardly touched his beloved cognac tonight. And I wonder why.
Once Magda has cleared the table, we all move back to the sitting room. And Alexei does not allow me to leave his side for the rest of the evening. Instead, he pulls me directly into his lap and carries on a conversation with several of the other men while he touches me.
At first, it is innocent. A stroke of his palm on my arm. A kiss of his lips on my neck. His fingers brush over the brand on my hand. His name and his star. A not so subtle reminder for both of us who I belong to. He touches it often when we’re in the company of others. I think it’s a comfort to him knowing that it’s there.
It’s a comfort to me too.
My body shivers for him, and longs for him too. It has been too long since he touched me. But he did not return to me after my last rejection. And now he can’t seem to control himself, even in the room full of company. Where he knows I will not reject him.
I wonder if this is why he’s doing it.
But he has to feel it. Feel my body coming alive for him.
My dress is flared at the waist, with a large skirt. Alexei takes full advantage of this by sliding his hand beneath the material and squeezing my ass in his palm. He finds the material of my thong, pulling it up in the back so that it rides against my front.
I shift my weight on top of him and feel his own discomfort beneath me. His free hand comes around my front, wrapping around my waist and pulling me back against his chest.
The conversation around us continues, and Alexei speaks when appropriate, even as his hand moves between my thighs. His voice deepens slightly when he feels the wetness there. And then his fingers are inside of me.