she doesn’t know how.
“Don’t tell me what you think I want to hear,” I encourage. “You have only ever been honest with me, Solynshko. So be honest now.”
It takes her some time. Time to decide she trusts me. But that’s exactly what it is when she looks up at me. And I know it is not easily given.
“I hardly knew her,” she tells me. “She was a storm. And we just tried to survive the bad days until the sunlight broke through.”
“You took care of your siblings,” I reply.
“I was the oldest,” is her answer. “She kept us locked away. During the bad times. In a room, together. We only had each other.”
Her eyes drift up to the ceiling, and she finishes. “And now, it is just me.”
I know what I need to tell her. The thing that is true, but I cannot bring myself to admit. That she has me. The words don’t come. So I comfort her in the way that I can. With my hands. Combing through her hair. Clearing away the tangles from her face.
She likes this. She will never admit it. Just as I will not admit I enjoy doing it.
“Tell me what you think you should feel about your mother,” I say.
This time, she answers without delay. “Sorry. I should feel sorry for her. Because she was sick.”
“But what you really feel is anger,” I reply.
She moves her gaze back to me. Examining me. Picking me apart. “Tell me about the woman in the bathtub.”
“This is not about her,” I deflect.
“It never is,” she replies.
“You need to allow yourself to be angry, Solnyshko. Release that anger. On me, if you want. But you have to accept that it’s there.”
“But you don’t,” she says. “That’s always the way it works with you.”
“I’m trying to help you.”
“By lying to me and yourself?” she sits up and stares at me, the anger I asked for rising to the surface. “You’re such a fucking hypocrite. A selfish asshole.”
She tries to get up. To leave me. But I hold her in place. My own anger coming out to play.
“Yes, and you are a psychotic bitch.”
She tries to yank herself away, but again I don’t let her. I grip her chin in my hands and force her to kiss me.
“But you’re my psychotic bitch,” I murmur against her. “And I am your selfish asshole.”
Her resistance flees, and she places her hands on my face. Kissing me back. Stroking through my hair. But then she pulls away again, angry and hurt.
“They are just words, Solnyshko.”
And then she says the thing I don’t expect. The thing that guts me. Because it is the most vulnerable thing she’s ever said.
“Not when they come from you. Not then they aren’t.”
29
Talia
When Magda and I reach the bottom of the stairs, Alexei is waiting for me.
He is dressed as he always is. Gray trousers, black oxfords and a charcoal sweater stretched across his muscular frame. He is in the process of shrugging into his black coat and flat cap when he pauses to look up at me.
He takes a breath. And I feel a sense of relief pulsing through me.
The dress is one that he picked, Magda informed me. Not something I’d ever worn before. Black embroidered tulle with an exposed back. It’s expensive and flashy. Alexei wants to show me off tonight. As his wife.
A part of me questioned if it was because Katya would be there. But the response from him now tells me otherwise.
He moves towards me as if he can’t help himself. Magda smiles and steps to the side as his fingers find my cheek and skate down over my neck.
“You are so lovely, Solnyshko,” he tells me.
I reach for his waist and touch him too. My hands against his warmth. And for a moment, we just look at each other. I want to believe that I’m not the only one who feels this pull between us, but I’ve been wrong before.
I’ve been so wrong.
My heart is beating too hard. Too fast. And I need to think of something else.
“What does it mean?” I ask.
“What?”
“Solnyshko?”
He pulls me closer still, his lips hovering over my ear. “It means little sun.”
He kisses my ear and pulls away, resuming his activities of dressing for the outdoors. Once he has finished, he takes me by the hand and leads me from the door.
Franco is already outside where two separate cars are parked and waiting. He’s examining one of them, checking underneath and all around it. I