have I. And so have you, quite frankly. You’re forgetting that I was there when you were a bratty, smart-mouthed kid, John. You said some things that your mother would’ve tanned your hide for.”
He didn’t deny it. “You’re not my real fucking father,” was on the list—a lot—but it wasn’t the worst. That honor belonged to what he’d spat at Journey after one of their last blowups. John had blown off curfew to go to a party, and it wasn’t the first time. He should’ve known that Mark would spill the beans about his whereabouts. He definitely should’ve known that Journey would show up and drag him out by his collar.
They’d gotten in the car, each slamming their door harder than the last. They’d argued the entire way home as I drove. I occupied myself by concentrating on the rain-slick roads and giving John warning looks in the mirror when he got too mouthy. He hit all the hall-of-fame greats—you’re not my father, you’re ruining my life, and it was just one fucking party. There was nothing to say when he loaded the final barbed arrow in his quiver, though.
“I wish you would’ve been the one who died instead of mom.”
The resulting silence in the car had been awful. I’d never seen Journey look quite so defeated or withdrawn. And I’d never forgotten his response as he stared out the window at the passing road.
“So do I.”
From the look on John’s face, he was lost in the same memory. Hopefully, he’d gloss over the part where I threatened to throw him out of the moving car if he ever spoke to his brother like that again. I’d never been so furious. Journey had seemed checked out, his head against the seat, his eyes locked on the passing scenery.
When John spoke, his voice was hoarse. “If I could have one back, that would be it. I’ve apologized many times since, but that would be it.”
“I know. Eventually, we all have to grow up, John.” I blew out a breath. Hard conversations weren’t my specialty, but this one was long overdue. “If anyone deserves your understanding, it’s him. Whatever he chooses to do, wherever he chooses to go… you need to be supportive. He’s earned that.”
John swallowed. “He’d be happier here,” he finally said.
“That’s not up to you.”
Or me. He didn’t deny anything I said, which I took as a positive sign.
“If you’re so understanding, then why haven’t you forgiven him yet?” John asked.
“I have.”
“Then why are you still punishing him?”
“A, what do you mean? And B, how did this become about me?” I asked defensively.
“He wants to get back together with you, but you keep slamming that door in his face. And everyone knows about this supposedly casual fling you guys are having.” He snorted. “Since when have you felt anything casual for JJ?”
I flushed. I wasn’t surprised everyone knew because we weren’t exactly being covert about it. I also suspected Mindy had sent out another newsletter with an update. And pictures. Netta was reading something in the waiting room when I brought out Kimble, and she nearly broke a finger jamming it in her purse.
“I can’t be the reason he stays.” My voice was subdued. “He’s living his dream.”
John hummed. “You can have more than one dream, Foss.”
It was hard to tamp down my irritation, but I managed. I’d certainly given him a lot of unsolicited advice this afternoon, and he had the right to do the same. But John didn’t understand. How could he? His wife wasn’t going anywhere. She loved John, this town, and their kids, so just what the fuck did he know? He didn’t know what it was like to lose the love of his life to a backpack and a dream. I had to keep a safe distance from Journey, so I could remember what this was.
And everything that it wasn’t.
“I’m not falling in love with him again,” I finally said. “Not when he has one foot out the door.”
“Oh, Foss.” He looked at me with a mix of fondness and sadness. “You say that like you have a choice.”
“John.” We both glanced up at the sound of Mindy’s voice as she marched by, a kid dangling from her grip. His hair was smeared liberally with frosting and tears streaked his chubby cheeks. “I need you to talk with Mandy while I get this one cleaned off.”
We watched them proceed to the shower area with wide eyes. I wasn’t sure the slow trickle of the