before I heard his quiet curse.
Once I reached the gates, I saw two night watch guards on duty. The gates were open, however, and I slipped past them before the darukkars could say otherwise, hearing them call out quietly behind me, voices strained, uncertain. They let me go, though. Probably because they knew Kiran was close, that he wouldn’t let anything happen to me.
The lake was in sight, though the field between it and the horde was dark. I spied a figure on its shore and I walked, determined, towards it.
Kiran had to have heard someone approaching but he didn’t turn. He was sitting on the sandy shore, the moonlight glistening over the water. His legs were stretched out in front of him, his hands behind him, holding his weight. His Vorakkar scars flashed, lining the entirety of his back, though I spied little red marks too. I flushed when I realized they were from my own nails.
I’d found him in this position often, though it had been at the saruk and instead of the lake stretched out before him, it had been the sea. His eyes always on the horizon line like he was wondering where it ended and what the world looked like there.
When I stepped in front of him, he straightened slightly, a strand of his dark hair whipping across his face. It was freezing out. He must have been freezing. My fingers were numb and a dark cloud passed over the moon, darkening the shores. He’d said a storm was coming—one that might bring the frost—and I believed him.
“What are you doing out here, seffi?” he asked, his voice gruff. He was frowning. “It’s—”
His words stopped abruptly when I lowered myself into his lap, hitching up my dress and sliding my legs on both sides of his hips. His nostrils flared and he straightened completely, his hands hovering close to my thighs.
I slid his furs over his shoulders, fastening the clasp in the front, all too aware that he was studying me carefully, trying to read me.
“I know what you want, Kiran,” I told him softly.
His brow furrowed.
“You truly want me as your Morakkari?” I asked, needing to hear the confirmation. Because at first, I’d thought he hadn’t been serious.
“Lysi,” he murmured, not hesitating, his honesty flowing from him easily. Kiran had never been a liar.
And I wanted to be honest with him.
“And I don’t know if I can give you that yet. I don’t know if this life is for me. I don’t know if I can be apart from my family because I miss them so terribly that it aches,” I whispered, watching his jaw flex. Swallowing, I added, “But I will try, Kiran. I want to try.”
“Neffar?” he rasped, his gaze suddenly intense, eyes flickering back and forth between mine.
“I’m not agreeing to it yet,” I told him softly, wanting him to understand. “Because being your Morakkari is a lot more than agreeing to be your lover.”
I slid my arms around his neck as an icy breeze swept around us, making me shiver, drawing me closer to him.
Our faces were close. His hands came to grip my hips, holding me in place on his lap as realization dawned in his eyes.
“But you will think about it,” he rasped. “You will consider it.”
“Lysi,” I said, feeling lighter as the word fell from my lips. “I will. I promise.”
A relief, perhaps.
Permission, I realized.
Permission to explore this again. Permission to…love him again.
And I wouldn’t think about the cost.
I wouldn’t think like that anymore.
This was what Laru had been trying to tell me, I realized. That I needed to put myself in situations where I might get hurt because those were the situations that were worth fighting for. For so long, I’d protected myself, building up walls, never letting anyone in.
And it had worked. With the exception of the loss of my mother, I had never been hurt by anyone again. Until Kiran came back and he opened that festering wound I thought had healed.
He’d poked at it, prodded at it. Making me realize that protecting myself from hurt, numbing myself to possibilities, had not necessarily been a healthy choice. It had kept me safe, lysi. But it had also kept me trapped and afraid.
Kiran made me angry. He made me hurt. But he also made me smile, made my belly flutter with anticipation, made me gasp with need, made me feel safe and wanted and protected.
I hadn’t realized it but those were the things I’d needed