chance to shoot what I want.”
The money isn’t great yet but I’m secretly thrilled. It’s not easy to even have a chance at a show much less actually sell out. Now I have pretty much free license to shoot whatever I want. The proceeds from the last show will tide me over until I can figure out what I want to do. It’s nice to have that freedom.
“Have you decided what you’re going to work on next?” She picks up the remote and flips through the channels randomly.
“My erotic show sold out last time so I need to do something similar.”
She pauses on a channel with some kind of nature program. I can tell when my words sink in because her brow furrows.
“Another erotic show?” Her giggles are infectious. “You are really trying to give your mother a heart attack!”
“What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.”
“Um, don’t you think you should at least warn her?”
“Yes, of course. But not until I’m done. The last thing I need in my head while working on this is my mother’s voice.”
“Well, it’s all going to hit the fan when she finds out you have another show coming up.”
I acknowledge her words with a shrug. Worrying about what my mom thinks is a waste of time. “Nothing I’ve ever done has made her happy except for dating Gabe. Which never actually happened. The one thing she thinks I did right was a product of her imagination. That tells you everything you need to know about my relationship with my mother.”
Izzie glances at me from the side of her eye. “I still think it’s a tragic waste that you never got a piece of that while you could.”
Her shocked outrage is still just as funny now as it was back in high school. “Iz, we were kids!”
“Whatever. Even the kid version of Gabe Marshall was some seriously prime eye-candy. You could have at least gotten naked a few times and manhandled that.”
I’m laughing so hard now that she shoves me over.
“It’s not funny! You know I had a serious crush on him and you just hung out with him like it was no big deal. There really weren’t any secret make-out sessions that you never told me about?”
I shake my head ruefully at the wishful tone of her voice. “Sorry to disappoint you. It's never been like that with us.”
"I know, I know. He's your white knight. I'm so grateful that he was there that night.” She gets really quiet all of a sudden and I know she’s remembering.
“It wasn’t your fault, Izzie.”
She manages a small smile. “Not directly but I shouldn’t have left you on your own. That’s part of the girlfriend code of honor.”
Truthfully, she remembers more of the night in question than I do. I’d told my parents that I was sleeping over at Izzie’s but we’d snuck out to go to a party at a senior’s house. We’d both gotten drunk for the first time and spent the entire night giggling over the couples making out in the corners, on the steps and even right out in the open.
Then Izzie had left me on my own to go talk to Chris, the boy she’d been crushing on since she’d been transferred into AP English. Everything after that is a blur.
According to her, Gabe found me in one of the upstairs rooms fighting off three guys who wouldn’t let me leave. My dress was torn and I was crying but I don’t remember any of that. All I know is that he got me out of there somehow. Strangely enough, the only thing I remember is the sensation of being held close and him tapping a rhythm on my arm.
For years after that night I couldn’t stand to be touched but the only thing I remember clearly is waking up in Izzie’s bed the next morning.
“Well, I still say it’s a shame. A man that gorgeous should never be put in the friend zone.”
“He makes me feel safe,” I say quietly. “I think I've been using Gabe as a crutch to keep from putting myself out there. The entire time I was dating Perry I think even he could tell something wasn't right. I stayed with him because he fit into the image my parents wanted. But he deserves better than that. And so do I.”
Izzie leans over and hugs me, burying her face in my shoulder. “You deserve everything.”
In that moment, I make another decision about my future. “I know what