right thing to do. The mature thing to do.
But, God, it was scary.
Courage is action in the face of fear and I knew Cam was right. My biggest fears were abandonment and rejection. By calling Ben, by asking him if he would see me face-to-face when I got back to town, I was definitely acting in the face of what scared me the most.
I couldn't let that stop me because Ben deserved my courage. He deserved the best of me, even if it had never been enough for anyone else in my life. Well, except for Cam.
With my heart hammering in my chest, I texted Cam.
I'll do it now.
Her reply was swift. Good.
My fingers shook as I scrolled through my phone to my favorites list in my contacts. I nearly missed his name with my thumb, but, by some miracle or curse, the phone started ringing.
He answered on the third ring.
"Hello?"
I opened my mouth, but it was another one of the few times in my life I wasn't talking when I meant to. I could speak without meaning to, but at this moment my vocal cords had frozen.
"Sierra?"
Oh, God. He'd looked at the caller ID. He knew it was me. I had to say something. Anything.
"Hey," I croaked.
Jesus Christ. Hey?
"Hey."
His voice was flat, devoid of emotion. I couldn't tell if he was relieved I'd called or pissed as hell. Or if he felt nothing at all.
The silence stretched between us, thin and fragile but somehow filled with hundreds of words unspoken.
"What's up?" he asked.
I could hear some sort of power tool in the background and realized he was at work. He was at work, probably busy, but he'd stopped to take my call, even though things hadn't gone well the last time we spoke.
It gave me the wherewithal to say something now.
"I had a realization," I stated. "Well, more like an epiphany."
"Okay." He drawled the word and I knew I was seconds away from losing an important moment with him. And I didn't want that to happen.
"I said and did some horrible things the last time we saw each other and I'm sorry for that. And if you're willing, I'd like to talk about what happened."
"Hang on just a sec," he murmured. The sounds of power tools grew louder, then I heard a door shut and all the other noises virtually disappeared. "Can you repeat that?"
If it had been anyone else but Ben, I would have immediately thought they were fucking with me in retaliation, but he wasn't like that. Or at least he never had been before. Courage. I needed courage.
I inhaled and said it again. Well, paraphrased it again. "I'm sorry for the way I acted the last time I saw you. I was wondering if we could talk about what happened?"
"Right now?" he asked.
"No, I, uh, well, some things changed for me. Big things. I'm stuck in the city for the rest of the week I think, but then I'll be coming back to Farley indefinitely."
"What does indefinitely mean?" he asked.
"I'll be living with Cam until I can find my own place in town."
There was nothing but silence on the line. I hadn't thought my heart could beat any faster, but it drummed like crazy. Still, I forged on.
"Can I come see you when I get back to town?" I asked. "To talk?"
Ben cleared his throat. "Yeah, I think we should." His voice was low and rough, but not in an unpleasant way.
I was pretty sure I'd just surprised him. A glimmer of hope sparked in my belly.
"Good. Good. I'm...glad." For fuck's sake, could I be any more lame? "I'll text you when I know for sure what day I'll be back."
"Okay," he agreed. "I think it's good we both have a little time to think."
And that tiny light of hope faded to nearly nothing.
"You're probably right," I said. My voice was nearly a whisper because the words hurt as I said them. They hurt my throat, my chest. My heart.
"Bye, Sierra."
"Bye, Ben."
I disconnected the call and dropped my phone on the couch. Then, I cried for the second time in less than an hour.
At least I didn't have a witness this time.
20
Somehow, after my call with Ben, I fell asleep. After such an emotional rollercoaster for the last few days, I guess I shouldn't have been surprised that I was exhausted.
Once again, a ringing phone woke me from sleep.
"Hey, boss," Trudy chirped in my ear when I managed to answer the damn thing in my sleep-drunk