would stop bullshitting myself for a minute, I could admit that I was falling in love with him, too."
"Wow, he pulled out the big guns, didn't he?" Cam said.
"I told him before we started this that I didn't want anything serious. That I wasn't interested in a relationship."
"Why don't you want to get involved?" Cam asked. "Why do you avoid anything resembling a commitment?"
"I can't fall in love. I'm incapable."
Cam's responding look was ripe with sympathy and disbelief. "Very few people are incapable of love and, I'm sorry, but I know you're not one of them."
I crossed my arms over my chest. "Why not?"
Cam ticked a list off on her fingers. "You love me, my parents, and my brother."
"That's different," I began.
Cam turned her hand so it was palm out. "Let me finish."
I sighed but shut my trap.
"And if you didn't have some strong feelings for Ben, you wouldn't be so torn up over your fight and the fact that you decided to end whatever arrangement the two of you had."
I didn't even try to rebut that because she was right and, even if I couldn't admit it aloud to my best friend, I could admit it to myself.
"Why do you keep people at arm's length? Men in particular." Cam asked.
I had no answer to that.
"I know I'm not an expert in psychology, but as someone who's known you for many years, I think I have an idea why you push people away."
"Because I'm socially awkward and romantically inept?" I asked, wiping away my tears.
Cam shook her head and rolled her lips together as if she was unsure if she should speak.
I sighed. "You can be honest with me, Cam. I'm not going to lose it just because you tell me something that's true and maybe stings a little."
"I think you're afraid of being abandoned," she finally said. "Your parents were never around. You had new nannies constantly. And by the time you were old enough to go to school, you hadn't been around other children enough to know how to talk to them. All your relationships prior to me were dysfunctional. Your friendship with me and my family are the only healthy relationships you've had."
Hearing those words hurt, not because Cam was telling me the truth, but because it brought back the memories of those moments. Of my parents never being home. Of new nannies showing up every few months. They were always nice to me. They all acted like they cared. But they still left.
And school. That was pure misery from start to finish. I didn't understand how other kids thought and why they acted the way that they did. I was also labeled a geek and treated like a leper. It didn't matter that my parents were rich because everyone else's parents were, too. I was an outcast, ridiculed and teased relentlessly. That was the main reason I worked my ass off to graduate at the age of seventeen. I wanted out of the house of horrors known as high school.
My eyes welled with fresh tears and Cam looked like she was about to cry with me. "I'm sorry. Please don't be upset," she said.
"I'm not upset about what you said," I replied, wiping my eyes again. "I just hate thinking about that part of my life. It sucked."
She took my hand. "Look, I'm not saying Ben is your soul mate. I'm not saying that you guys should walk down the aisle tomorrow. But I do think you should give him a chance. I've known him almost my entire life. For all the gossip and rumors in town, he's a good guy. He doesn't go around breaking women's hearts for fun."
"I don't know, Cam." I sighed, rubbing my eyes again. "It was a pretty nasty scene this morning. I said some horrible things."
"Once, when we were younger, I told Ben he had a face like a toad and smelled like manure. He forgave me for that. I'm sure you didn't say anything worse than that."
I laughed a little. "Depends. How old were you when this happened?"
"Eighteen."
That made me laugh again, but it faded quickly. "I'm not sure I'm ready for what he wants," I admitted. My voice was barely a whisper.
"But are you ready to cut him out of your life?"
If she'd asked me that before my epiphany, I would have said no. I probably would have lied and said that Ben and I would remain friends without bennies, but I knew better now.
It had only been