my tone level. How can she be so different to Nanna Beth?
‘And he’s a good-looking young man. Very good-looking,’ she purrs, in a way that makes me feel slightly uncomfortable.
‘This is 2019. I don’t have to snare a man before it’s too late. I’m not going to be on the shelf if I’m still single when I turn thirty. I’ve just started a brand-new job.’
‘Well yes of course,’ she says, shaking her head as if I’m the one being unreasonable. ‘I’m just saying, if I were you I’d put a ring on it before it’s too late.’
She gives a little shimmy, and heads for the bathroom, humming Beyoncé. I stand there, open-mouthed, fuming.
When James walks in a few moments later, I’m still recovering.
He puts the paper bags full of pastries down on the table and turns to me, smiling with his lovely white perfect teeth. I go over and kiss him, taking him by surprise.
‘What was that for?’ He takes me by the shoulders and steps back, looking at me as if he’s taking me in. I look back at him. He is a nice man, I think.
‘Just because,’ I say, and I hug him, wrapping my arms around his broad back and gazing out at the rooftops that lead to the sea. He feels safe, and solid, and like he’s not going anywhere. Maybe that’s a good thing, I think, looking sideways at Mum’s place. Maybe that’s what I should be aiming for.
And then Mum’s phone rings.
‘Yes. Oh, right. Yes. Of course.’ Her face blanches whiter and whiter as she speaks until there are just two spots of high colour on each cheekbone, and something in my stomach drops down to the floor and I realise I’m clenching both hands into fists.
‘Of course. Yes. We’ll be there straight away.’
‘Mum?’ I squeeze the word out.
‘We need to get a taxi to the hospital.’
‘I’ve got the car,’ says James, picking up his car keys.
‘Of course. I need my bag,’ says Mum, her words mechanical and stiff. ‘Jess?’
‘I’m ready.’
I don’t even want to ask what’s happened. If I don’t ask, it can’t be the worst thing. It can’t be the worst thing.
Nanna’s lying in a bed in the Coronary Care Unit. I see her through the window. She looks tiny, propped up in bed with wires coming from her arms. When the nurse takes us into the room I spin round, as if to walk away from it all, covering my face with my hands. It’s Mum who puts a hand on my arm and says, ‘Come on, love.’ I turn back, and we walk in together.
The room is oddly silent. I don’t know what I was expecting: beeps and machines and all the sounds you think of when you watch this sort of thing on Casualty on television, not just this weird, deathly silence. Mum sits down on the chair beside the bed and looks to the nurse as if to ask permission to hold Nanna’s hand. The nurse who is checking something on the machine smiles and gives a brief nod. He looks exhausted.
‘She’s just sleeping. We did a procedure last night to unblock an artery and put in a stent.’
I glance up at him, horrified. ‘Heart surgery?’
‘Not the way you’re thinking,’ he says, gently. ‘We went in through her arm, and removed the blockage that way. She should be okay to go home in a few days, although there’ll be rehab and some lifestyle changes—’
‘I’ll look after you, don’t worry,’ says Mum, squeezing Nanna Beth’s hand. The nurse gives another reassuring smile and leaves us.
I watch him heading down the ward, checking the time on his watch. I stand at the other side of Nanna Beth’s bed, stroking her fingers. There’s a cannula coming out of her hand, and wires coming out of her arm. Across the way, in another bed, there’s another woman, half awake, being helped upright by a nurse. It’s weird to think of Alex in the same situation, doing that day in, day out. I wish there was reception in here. I want to message him and ask what he knows about all of this. I feel scared and powerless and—
‘Hello,’ Nanna Beth croaks.
‘My God, you gave us a fright,’ says Mum.
Nanna looks at me through heavy lidded eyes. ‘Sorry,’ she says. Her voice is not much more than a whisper. ‘Didn’t mean to cause a fuss.’
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
Alex
6th October, London
I’m so tired that I could just lie down here and have an emergency nap. The