a hire van so we can move in three days before Christmas, and then nip to IKEA and pick up the essentials. The thing I’d taken for granted living in Becky’s place was that the house was fully furnished, with everything her grandparents had left there. We didn’t have to buy so much as a can opener. I think I took a lot of things for granted in Albany Road.
Jess
The Christmas work lunch is legendary, apparently. Everyone comes, and they hire a whole restaurant and take it over for the afternoon. But I’m just not in the mood. A waiter passes as I’m escaping to the bathroom, offering me some sort of twiddly-looking canapé. I shake my head and lock myself in the cubicle, sitting down on the top of the loo seat. Elton John’s playing through the speakers, and I listen as two of the women from editorial come in, chatting about an author they’ve had a nightmare time with. I sit, silent and patient, and they wash their hands, reapply their lipstick, and leave, still grumbling about how late he was delivering his last manuscript, and how it had screwed everything up for next spring.
Once I’m sure it’s quiet, I let myself out of the cubicle and wash my hands and face, looking at myself in the mirror. I look tired, and a bit miserable. It’s Christmas, I’m living in London, and this is everything I ever dreamed of. I think about this time last year and how I was giddy with excitement, wide-eyed, ready to soak it all up. Right now I’d like to just slink off somewhere on my own and have a rest. It’s probably just end-of-year tiredness, I tell myself, squaring my shoulders as I look at myself in the mirror. I add another layer of red lipstick as a protective barrier.
I make my way back downstairs and lean over the shoulder of Jav, who is wearing a purple Christmas crown.
‘I’m feeling a bit sick,’ I say, quietly. ‘I don’t want a massive fuss, so I’m just going to sneak off now before they do pudding. Will you let people know if they ask?’
She nods, waving the glass of Prosecco in her hand. ‘You sure you don’t just need another one of these?’
‘Definitely not.’ I shake my head.
As soon as I get outside into the fresh air I feel more human. I check the map on my phone to make sure I’m walking in the right direction, and decide I’ll set off home through Hyde Park.
The bare trees are silhouetted against a silver-grey sky. Dogs scamper past, their owners carrying long plastic ball throwers and dressed warmly against the December cold. I’m in a dress covered in tiny, Christmassy stars, with my big red coat over the top. I’ve changed my work shoes for trainers, carrying them over my shoulders in a rucksack. I watch a couple walking past, his arm around her waist, and I feel a pang of guilt. Sophie says James has been fine at work, but I still wonder if I should have let him down more gently. But I think about Nanna Beth, and how she told me to remember I only have one life and that I should leave it with as few regrets as possible. It’s funny, but as much as Mum and Nanna Beth seemed to like him, I didn’t love him – I mean I liked him, and he felt safe and secure, and all those things … but I definitely didn’t love him. And being together with the wrong person was a million times worse than being single.
I walk past the bike hire rack where Alex and I hired Boris Bikes on one of our first outings together. I feel like he’s been avoiding me, but when I tried to skirt around the question with Becky – trying to make it sound as casual as possible, she just made non-committal noises about him going back to his Mum’s place to study.
‘We’ve got someone coming to have a look at the room,’ she’d reminded me that morning over breakfast. I’d looked up, confused.
‘What about the girl Emma knew?’
‘Mmm,’ Becky had said, looking dubious. ‘Dan’s a friend from work. He’s split up with his boyfriend and he’s staying on a friend’s sofa. I’d be doing him a favour. And after the whole –’ she’d raised her eyes towards the ceiling and waggled a finger back and forth, motioning in the direction of Alex and Emma’s rooms