me his real age, so forty-five is my estimate, judging by his looks.
‘What height is this table?’ he said suddenly, just as I was about to go to the breadbin for a slice to wipe my plate with. I turned round and looked at him, wondering why he was bothering with such an easy question.
‘Thirty inches,’ I told him, and took a crust from the bin.
‘Wrong,’ he said with an eager grin. ‘Two foot six.’
I shook my head at him, scowling, and wiped the brown rim of soup from the inside of my plate. There was a time when I was genuinely afraid of these idiotic questions, but now, apart from the fact that I must know the height, length, breadth, area and volume of just about every part of the house and everything in it, I can see my father’s obsession for what it is. It gets embarrassing at times when there are guests in the house, even if they are family and ought to know what to expect. They’ll be sitting there, probably in the lounge, wondering whether Father’s going to feed them anything or just give an impromptu lecture on cancer of the colon or tapeworms, when he’ll sidle up to somebody, look round to make sure everybody’s watching, then in a conspiratorial stage-whisper say: ‘See that door over there? It’s eighty-five inches, corner to corner.’ Then he’ll wink and walk off, or slide over on his seat, looking nonchalant.
Ever since I can remember there have been little stickers of white paper all over the house with neat black-biro writing on them. Attached to the legs of chairs, the edges of rugs, the bottoms of jugs, the aerials of radios, the doors of drawers, the headboards of beds, the screens of televisions, the handles of pots and pans, they give the appropriate measurement for the part of the object they’re stuck to. There are even ones in pencil stuck to the leaves of plants. When I was a child I once went round the house tearing all the stickers off; I was belted and sent to my room for two days. Later my father decided it would be useful and character-forming for me to know all the measurements as well as he did, so I had to sit for hours with the Measurement Book (a huge loose-leaf thing with all the information on the little stickers carefully recorded according to room and category of object), or go round the house with a jotter, making my own notes. This was all in addition to the usual lessons my father gave me on mathematics and history and so on. It didn’t leave much time for going out to play, and I resented it a great deal. I was having a War at the time - the Mussels against the Dead Flies I think it was - and while I was in the library poring over the book and trying to keep my eyes open, soaking up all those damn silly Imperial measurements, the wind would be blowing my fly armies over half the island and the sea would first sink the mussel shells in their high pools and then cover them with sand. Luckily my father grew tired of this grand scheme and contented himself with firing the odd surprise question at me concerning the capacity of the umbrella-stand in pints or the total area in fractions of an acre of all the curtains in the house actually hung up at the time.
‘I’m not answering these questions any more,’ I said to him as I took my plate to the sink. ‘We should have gone metric years ago.’
My father snorted into his glass as he drained it. ‘Hectares and that sort of rubbish. Certainly not. It’s all based on the measurement of the globe, you know. I don’t have to tell you what nonsense that is.’
I sighed as I took an apple from the bowl on the window sill. My father once had me believing that the earth was a Möbius strip, not a sphere. He still maintains that he believes this, and makes a great show of sending off a manuscript to publishers down in London, trying to get them to publish a book expounding this view, but I know he’s just mischief-making again, and gets most of his pleasure from his acts of stunned disbelief and then righteous indignation when the manuscript is eventually returned. This occurs about every three months, and I doubt that life would