coffee, and a few mindless hours of channel surfing, I threw on my running clothes and headed into the frigid morning air.
The practically deserted boardwalk was a result of the early hour, the ominous sky, and the punishing wind whipping off the ocean… but the scenario perfectly matched my mood. I stretched for a few minutes and ran for close to two hours. The coastal landscape went unnoticed as my mind reeled with questions for which I had no answers. No matter how I spun my situation, the reality was I unexplainably was attracted to another man.
“Coop!” At first, I assumed hearing my name through the whipping wind had been a figment of my imagination, until I heard it louder and closer. Twisting around while slowing my jog, I saw Riana quickly approaching. “Hey,” she said through a brilliant smile. When a twinge of regret pinched in my chest, I realized I truly missed her.
“Hey,” I responded, throwing my arms around her the moment she reached me, surprising us both as my grip tightened and held.
“Wow,” she said when I released her. “That was quite a greeting.”
“It’s great to see you, Ree.”
“How was the wedding?” My smile faltered for a nanosecond before I schooled my features, but she caught it as her gaze searched my eyes. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.”
Unconvinced, she took my hand and led me to the nearest bench. “What’s wrong?”
Everything that was wrong sat poised on the tip of my tongue, ready to spew. But once out, there would be no turning back. My predicament affected her as well. It would devalue our time together, turn it into a farce, make her nothing more than a mask I’d worn to hide the real me.
Yet something told me she’d hold no judgment, and that alone had me wanting to confide in her.
As she waited for me to speak, a violent shiver traveled through her. “Ree, you’ll get sick out here.” We were much closer to her place than mine, forcing me to ask, “Are you just starting or returning?”
“I’m all done,” she easily admitted, but something in her expression told me she had just lied. Before I could challenge her, she added, “Let’s go to my place. I’ll make us coffee, and we can talk.”
Selfishly, and before I could change my mind, I accepted her offer with a firm nod. “Okay.”
While Riana made us coffee in her kitchen, I continued to flip-flop between confiding in her or not. Voicing my issue out loud would make it more real. As irrational as it was, I continued to blame Ricky. If he hadn’t come on so strong, none of what followed would’ve happened.
Yes, I was completely aware that sounded ridiculous.
But being home for a whole week, while still harping on what had gone down between us, was slowly pecking at my resolve and making me nuts.
“Here we go,” Riana said while carrying two mugs filled with coffee and handing me mine prepped exactly the way I liked it.
“Thanks, Ree.” That simple act flared the regret I carried for not being in love with her. Just like that, the coin of uncertainty flipped back to the not-to-confide-in-her side.
Oblivious to my angst, a genuine smile spread. “You’re welcome.” Her eyes held mine as she tipped her mug to take a sip, but she waited for me to begin. This was typical of Riana: listen first. Still, I couldn’t get the words to slide past the lump in my throat. Knowing me as well as she did, the pregnant pause, combined with my tortured expression, caused her to reach over and take my hand. “Coop, you’re scaring me. Is it work? Are you sick?”
“No. It’s nothing like that.” Although I could claim a bad case of temporary insanity. Remembering something that stayed with me from the night she broke things off, I asked, “What did you mean when you said you weren’t sure I knew what it would take to make me happy?”
She released my hand while a pink tinge spread on her cheeks. It was my turn to wait her out as she collected her thoughts.
“I don’t know. I guess because when we were together you seemed anxious, especially toward the end.”
“Anxious in what way?”
She placed her mug on the coffee table and tucked her feet beneath her. “I knew you cared about me, and you made it your business to show me that you did.” Her blush deepened while she bit on her bottom lip, a nervous habit I always found endearing.