I was somewhat able to relax a bit in their company. And if I had to be honest, it was because Ricky opted out of joining the festivities.
I overheard Rebecca telling Marco that Ricky didn’t want to impose on our family time. Without him around, I acted more like myself… acted being the key word.
No one in my family knew that since the rehearsal dinner my thoughts had mimicked a frozen margarita in a blender—a splash of recklessness from kissing him, a shot of self-loathing for kissing him, and a good dose of confusion as to why I’d kissed him… all destructively churning in my mind. I could easily blame the alcohol I’d consumed that night, but that would be another way of kidding myself.
It was him. He’d managed to get under my skin… and I hated that he had.
Yes, the constant state of uncertainty I’d been trapped in was all on me. I was a twenty-eight-year-old man who no longer had a clue of who he truly was, and it fucking scared me to death. How did that happen? How did someone comfortable in his own skin, confident and self-assured in his life, suddenly question his sexuality?
I couldn’t blame Ricky for any of that, but I could blame him for the way he unapologetically assumed he knew me better than I knew myself. And… his damn insinuations that had thrown my world off its axis. And… his arrogant presence, searing blue eyes, cocky smirk… all of it fucked with my head.
It may have been cowardly of me to make up an excuse and fly to Jersey as soon as we docked, but I needed to get back to my world. One where I knew who I was, one where I felt safe.
Hypocritically, I spent the plane ride home reading up on bisexuality and scouring anything I could find on the internet. There were many stories of those who knew they were bisexual but denied it, afraid to embrace that label. And then there were just as many men and women who were oblivious to their attractions of the same sex until a person or a situation unleashed them. I even delved into many accounts of coming out and how it had affected lives.
No matter how many stories supported the confusions I carried, I still refused to admit they were anything other than just that—confusions.
Because… not gay.
Once I returned home, I forced myself to become engrossed in getting back to my routine and grading the rest of the papers I had yet to touch. Come Monday, I picked up the semester exactly where I had left off. The days went by quickly, with students wanting to discuss their midterm papers’ grades and the head of our department all gung ho, scheduling his typical rah-rah sessions. Even Kelly resumed her mission of seduction, still stuck on the assumption my breakup now gave her a chance.
Everything slipped right back to normal.
But at night, when alone in my bed while wide awake, nothing could distract the way my body responded to memories of his lips on mine. There was no sensible explanation as to why fantasies of what could’ve come after that kiss if I allowed it to progress caused my dick to swell. Those visualizations played over and over like a bad horror movie… one you were embarrassed to admit you secretly loved while scoffing at the absurdity of its plot. A contradiction to logic. And come every morning, I purposely ignored the way my cock screamed for release.
Like now.
I reached for my phone on the nightstand and groaned at the ungodly hour. Today was Saturday, which meant I would need to search hard for distractions over the next two days until back in my classroom. With Sam still on his honeymoon our weekly gym date wouldn’t happen. No reason to crash at my parents’ place since they were still in Florida. Most of my work colleagues were busy on weekends with their wives and kids.
Being a loner had served me well over the years, and I never had a problem walking to the beat of my own drum. I’d been that way since childhood. But the very thing I prided myself on now made me antsy.
And even if those closest to me were around, I had no one I felt comfortable enough to confide in. Besides, what the fuck would I say?
I kissed a guy, and now my head’s a mess because my traitorous dick liked it.
After a few cups of