control our hearts. The character of a man is measured by the love he has for his other half. Sometimes that’s all we need to know.”
“No, he’s right,” I said softly. “I knew a different man. Maybe I was blinded by my love for him. Maybe I was under some weird spell, some compulsion to feel for him. It doesn’t matter, though. I loved him. My heart tells me I did, even if it may have been a lie, for that lie is the only truth I know. The one I feel. Every crack in my heart has his name on it. The blood that flows through my veins is filled with an empty life I don’t want but am forced to live. I see him when I wake, when I eat, when I breathe. I even see him when I sleep. You’d think sleep would help ease my pain, being unconscious without feeling, but that’s a lie too. It’s in my dreams that he haunts me more, reminds me, makes my heart ache, makes me bleed, even burn. I’d rather die a thousand deaths than to live one life without him.”
“Wow,” Rowan breathed, glancing from Mabel to me. “I’m sorry, Ana. I-I didn’t realize it was like that for you. I just thought the Mortae found you, and you two fought it out. I had no idea you were in love with him. I feel awful. I’m sorry. Truly, I am.”
“What are you sorry for?” I scoffed. “You didn’t know, like you said.”
“No, I’m sorry you’re hurting. I’m sorry he didn’t make it, the man you knew. I’m sorry you’re seemingly stuck in a world and a situation you didn’t ask for. I really think you could’ve changed him. I do. You’re so passionate. That sort of thing is contagious, you know? You’re going to change the world, Ana. Believe that. I do.”
“Yes, well, for better or for worse, changing a world seems to be my destiny.” I forced a smile out and looked down.
“It could always be worse,” Mabel sighed. “You could have no destiny. Then what sort of life would you have? To be of no purpose, no value? You have it all, Princ… I mean, Ana. Instead of looking at it like a burden, see it as a gift.”
I didn’t say anything as I rolled her words around in my mind. They made sense to me, but I was so consumed in my agony for Calix I didn’t want to accept them.
“What do you say I walk you to your room? You’ve had a tiring day, I’m sure. It doesn’t help that bright and early tomorrow Tarek will be pounding on your door.”
“Don’t remind me,” I muttered, rising to my feet. “It was nice meeting you, Mabel. Your soup was amazing. I look forward to doing this again sometime. Perhaps I’ll be in a better mood.”
Mabel smiled kindly at me, and I followed Rowan out of the kitchen and back up three flights of stairs.
“Why can’t we just travel by light to my room?” I grumbled, my legs aching from all the walking.
“You can’t travel by light anywhere near the palace.” Rowan chuckled. “Besides, it wouldn’t be fair. There are a lot of us who can’t do it. We’d become bitter at having to climb all the stairs while those who use the light just flittered around.”
“You can’t?” I asked, surprised. “It’s rare in even in the Seelie courts?”
“It’s very unusual,” Rowan explained. “It would make wars easier if troops could just use light or shadow to travel. Each kingdom has wards in place to prevent that sort of thing. Well, unless you have express permission to use light or shadow walking in that particular kingdom, anyway. No one here really does it, so it’s not a huge deal. Like I said, it’s not a common gift. Same holds true for portaling since we were talking about it before. You have to be outside the palace walls or a city’s borders, depending on what part of Winterset you’re in, to portal anywhere. Portaling seriously weakens the person who creates it, which is why it’s not done a lot either. I’m not sure any of the Dar’ish royalty here can create portals. If they can, I’m sure they’re granted express permission to use it in the palace.”
“Good to know,” I murmured, walking beside him. At least no one would be portaling in on me in the middle of the night. That didn’t mean they couldn’t walk through