just hated being an only child. Mom had to have a hysterectomy after me, though.” He lifts his eyes to mine. “That was her first fight with cancer.”
“I’m sorry.” I draw in a ragged breath because he’s talking to me. He held me last night. He let me cry about Brogan and stayed in my bed when I told him I didn’t want to be alone. But he hasn’t said anything to me all morning, and I assumed we were going back to our old dynamic where we don’t talk about anything.
He shakes his head. “It’s okay. I just always imagined a kid sister who looked like my mom. Katie’s beautiful but she doesn’t— Obviously, she wouldn’t look like my mom.” He reaches into the crib and scoops her up, his big hands holding her from under her arms. Her eyes go big and she gurgles happy baby sounds.
“She likes you.”
He cuddles her up against his chest. “Hmm.”
“You really know how to hold a baby,” I say. “You’re a natural with her.”
“She’s not the first baby I’ve held, Mia.” He shakes his head but keeps smiling as he gazes down at his baby sister. “Man, you play football, and so many of those idiots are having kids too early. They’re a hotshot on the field so they think they’re too good to wear a condom or something. I don’t know. But I’ve gotten to hold a lot of babies.” He lifts his head and aims that smile at me, and I feel something in my chest—as if his smile pulls down this barrier that’s been protecting my heart.
I swallow. “Gwen thinks we’re sleeping together.”
His smile falls away, but he keeps his eyes locked on mine for a long minute. Am I supposed to know what he’s thinking? Because I don’t. I can’t tell if he doesn’t give a shit or if this information makes him angry. He doesn’t speak to me enough yet for me to guess his thoughts.
He walks Katie over to the changing table and begins to change her diaper. “I’ll talk to her.”
“No, don’t, Arrow. There’s no point.”
He nods, and again I wish I knew what he was thinking. He lets me in his bed, even comes to mine, touches me. Holds me.
I haven’t done anything wrong, and I’m not the kind of girl who dreams of marrying her way to financial security. But when I wake up in the middle of the night and Arrow’s arms are wrapped around me, I wish we were sleeping together. When my brain is still half asleep, my body wakes. I want him to roll me over and make me feel the way he did that night in the kitchen. I want his mouth and hands to chase my numbness away. I want him to use me to chase his away.
Then when my brain wakes, I remember Brogan and my guilt, and I’m so glad I didn’t let my body decide. I’m so glad I didn’t give in to that need to feel something, so glad I didn’t give in. Even though there are nights when the fear of never feeling anything again is worse than the guilt and the grief.
“How convenient for you that your little boyfriend turned into a vegetable that night. And now you’re free to fuck a Woodison, which I’m guessing is what you wanted all along.”
I know she’s only giving voice to what others will think. She’s probably not the first to think it, and I hate that. It’s not fair to Brogan or Arrow.
“It’s going to be fine,” I assure Arrow. “Don’t worry about it.”
“Do you think she’s going to tell my dad?”
I draw in a sharp breath. Tell my dad. I imagine that wouldn’t end well for him. “I don’t know, Arrow. If you’re worried about it, maybe you should talk to him. Let him know what she thinks and set the record straight if you need to. But don’t do it for me.”
He only fumbles a little as he changes Katie’s diaper, but mostly I’m impressed that he knows which way to put it on and how to button the onesie. He’s a natural.
He grabs the bottle from the warmer, puts his finger on the nipple, and shakes it as he takes a seat in the rocker.
“You don’t have to do that,” I tell him.
He cocks a brow. “Maybe I want to. I mean, she seems to like you, so I figure she can’t be all that bad.”
There it is. That tugging