hooks its claws into my aching heart and tugs.
“It wasn’t like that at all,” she says.
I swallow hard. “I never hid my feelings, Mia. You knew that very first day that I didn’t want to step aside for Brogan. It’s true even now.” My voice drops to a whisper. “You’re in my arms, but you’re still his. And I can’t blame you for that. I don’t.”
She tries to smile, but it looks more like a grimace. “I loved him, Arrow.”
I roll to my back and squeeze my eyes shut against the pain those words bring. Even now I’m jealous of him, jealous of what he had from her. And I hate myself for that. “I know.”
“He was easy to love. So kind and funny and generous.”
“I know,” I say again, still not looking at her.
“I’ve been selfish from the beginning. I wanted to love Brogan. He was my safe place, and I wanted to be in love with someone like that.”
“He loved you, Mia. He fucked up a lot—I’m not denying that—but he loved you.”
She’s quieter now. Her body has stilled, and the tears and sobs seem to have broken, but I know there’s more grief to come. We’ve only reached the calm center of the storm. Not the end of it. “And I thought that if I could focus on that, if I could nurture that easy love, I might be able to drown out the hurt.”
Slowly, I open my eyes and turn to her, blinking. “He shouldn’t have hurt you to begin with. He shouldn’t have—”
She shakes her head and studies me, dark eyes intent. “That’s not the hurt I’m talking about. I’m talking about the ache that burned in my chest every time I looked at you and knew we couldn’t be together. I’m talking about the terrible self-loathing I’d feel when I’d catch myself comparing Brogan to you. He was good and kind and more than I deserved, but he was never you. You could never be second choice, Arrow. Because I never allowed myself to consider you a choice at all.”
I press my open palm to the ache in my chest. I can’t do this anymore. “Mia, you need to know. About that night—”
She presses two fingers to my lips and shakes her head. “Don’t. Please? I don’t want to talk about New Year’s Eve. If you want me to remember that I didn’t die that night, you have to promise me you won’t talk about it anymore.”
“Don’t make me make that promise,” I say. Because I can’t.
“Just tonight, then. Don’t talk about it tonight.”
“Okay.” I pull in a breath and realize I’m shaking. Would I have said it if she hadn’t stopped me? Would I have spilled it all out? And then what? She’d hate me, and what would happen to Coach?
“I need to apologize to him,” she says.
I bury my nose in her hair and inhale slowly, my shaking subsides, and my feet come back to the earth. “Tomorrow. You can apologize tomorrow.” Reluctantly, I release her to climb off the bed. “Lie down. I’ll tuck you in. You need a good night’s sleep.”
“No.” She reaches for me and drops her hand just before her fingers brush my bare stomach. “Don’t go.”
I don’t know if I can do it. Hold her without touching her. Spend a night soothing grief I’m responsible for. “Mia, we—”
“Don’t go.” She bites her bottom lip and cocks her head to the side. “Please? I’m scared to sleep alone.”
I can’t do it. I can’t walk away from her. “Okay.” I climb back into the bed and pull her back to my front. “Do you want me to give Katie a bottle if she wakes up?”
“No, I can do it. I can get her.”
“Okay. Just go to sleep now, okay?” I reach over her head and click off the light, and we lie in silence for a long time.
I close my eyes, knowing I won’t sleep but hoping she can. She’ll need her rest for tomorrow.
“Arrow?” she asks, long after I think she’s fallen asleep.
I don’t answer. My heart is too raw to talk more tonight; my need to tell her everything is too strong. I keep my eyes closed and my mouth shut so I won’t tell her what I can’t.
“I loved Brogan,” she says into the darkness. “But I couldn’t fall for him. That stupid difference between loving and being in love. I never thought it mattered. But I couldn’t fall in love with Brogan. I could only