front of me.
“There was a statewide search for Craig. His photo was flashed on the television, plastered on phone poles, printed in every newspaper. I remember asking my mom where his ‘uncle’ took him. I could only imagine how difficult it was for her to explain to me that his uncle didn’t take him. The weeks went on, the summer ended, and we went back to school. A desk in our classroom was left open for Craig in the hopes he’d come back.
“September in Connecticut could still be warm and, after school on a particularly hot day, a few of us decided to go for a swim in the river. There was a little alcove beneath a bridge we would always go to. I was the first to take a running leap, cannonballing into the water. I remember opening my eyes, swearing I felt a hand grab onto my leg.” I paused, needing a moment to collect myself. I had never shared the intricate details of that experience with anyone before, except for my therapist and parents years ago.
“What did you see?” Mackenzie asked softly.
“Craig’s body. His face was bloated and there were bruises all over him, but I knew it was him. I tried to get out of the river as fast as possible. In my head, I was treading water for an eternity, calling for help. In reality, it was probably only a matter of seconds. I felt helpless, like if I didn’t call someone that second, Craig would die, even though I knew he was already dead. I don’t remember what happened after that, but that night was the first time I had the nightmare.”
“Did your mother ever tell your therapist about all of that?”
“She did, but my therapist thought it best I remember what happened on my own instead of someone simply telling me. To be honest, I wouldn’t have believed it if she had told me. Once I finally worked through what my brain was protecting me from, the nightmare eventually went away.”
“When did it come back?” she asked.
“When Melanie died. I felt helpless again. Once I joined the navy, it went away again because my routine helped me cope with the guilt and loss. But then…”
“Yes?”
“Then I lost you.” I looked down and met her eyes. “And the helplessness returned, but it was more intense than before. Alexander sent me away because he was concerned for my safety, but that didn’t help matters. With each day I didn’t see you, I felt myself lose more and more control over everything in my life. I felt like I was drowning, all the lies and deception pulling me down.”
“And now?” she asked, running her fingers through my hair.
“Now I’ll live with the nightmares. I deserve it for what I did to you.”
She closed her eyes, a content expression on her face. Her lips turned up slightly as a breeze blew her hair.
“Say something,” I said after several silent moments passed. My admission remained hanging between us, making me uneasy. The guilt I felt for not doing something to protect Craig all those years still ate away at me at times. I wondered where he would be today if I had been smarter and told him not to get in the truck. Would he have listened?
“What do you want me to say?”
“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “Something. Anything. What are you thinking?”
She flung her eyes open. “Do you really want to know?”
“I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t.”
“I’m thinking…” She paused, studying my face for several intense, protracted moments. Finally, her gaze softened. “I’m thinking it’s time to go home.” She slowly raised herself up from my lap, taking a minute to steady herself.
“Home?” I asked, deflated, as she brushed her sundress off.
“Yes. Home.” She headed toward the house and my shoulders slumped forward. I thought we had turned a corner. Perhaps I was wrong.
As she approached the steps, she halted. Clenching her fists, I could almost sense an internal struggle going on between her head and her heart. Her shoulders rose and fell, and she spun around towards me. “Aren’t you coming?”
Mackenzie
“THIS WAY,” TYLER SAID to me that evening as we emerged from his company’s jet and headed toward the flight operation base at Brownsville airport. “I have a car waiting.”
“Wait.” I stopped. “I parked my car at one of the long-term lots.”
“I’ll have Eli arrange to get it to you.” He gestured to Eli, who nodded in agreement. It seemed peculiar to be standing between