yourself in that guilt. You didn’t pull the trigger. I burdened myself with guilt after Melanie died, despite telling my friends and family that the only person to blame was behind bars. But for the longest time, I went to bed thinking I could have done something to prevent it. It took me years to realize I couldn’t. I forced myself to live with that guilt and I wouldn’t wish that upon anyone, so don’t you dare do that to yourself. There’s nothing you could have done to stop this. I promise you, we will find the bastard responsible and he will pay. Okay?”
“But what if Agent Suarez rules it a suicide? That’s the way he was leaning when he examined the crime scene. No one seems to believe that Charlie just wouldn’t kill himself. They keep bringing up his record at Walter Reed, not even examining the evidence because he was a schizophrenic who had been off his meds for too long. What if they don’t look harder?”
“They will,” I assured her, having doubts myself, but I didn’t let on. “And if they don’t, we will.”
She studied me for a protracted moment, then nodded and returned her attention to the window, staring outside once more. I wished there was something I could do or say to make her feel better about all this.
Grief is like a storm. It can be calm and refreshing, a way to finally close one chapter of your life. Or it can be as unforgiving as a hurricane. It can bring our world into the abyss of darkness and turmoil. But just like with the most perilous of storms, it will soon pass. We never truly forget the helplessness and fear we felt during the eye of the storm, but we learn to move on and rebuild our lives. We never forget the loss, but the loss no longer consumes us.
We all grieve in our own way, and Mackenzie was grieving how she needed so she could finally move past this chapter in her life.
“I need to go brief Eli and the team about what’s going on,” I said, running my hand up and down her arm. “Do you need anything? Tea? Water?”
She shook her head. “No. Just promise you won’t let Charlie’s death be for nothing.” She looked at me once more, her eyes wide and pleading. “That his blood is the last that has to be spilled. I… I can’t lose anyone else.”
Nodding, I leaned down and placed a soft kiss on her head. “I promise, mi cariño.”
Her lips turned up just slightly in the corners, a weak smile crossing her face, then she stared out the window once more.
Taking that as my cue to leave, I retreated from the master bedroom, unsure of whether I’d be able to fulfill my promise to her. I entered my office, ignoring the multiple sets of eager eyes sitting around the conference table, and headed straight to the wet bar, pouring myself a scotch. After downing a much needed sip, I took my seat at the table and just stared. Silence surrounded us and I had no idea what to say to everyone.
“Someone say something,” I finally said.
“I made contact with the medical examiner’s office,” Eli began quickly, “and they refused to tell me whether this would be ruled a homicide or suicide. The M.E. seemed a bit annoyed, so that makes me think the agent in charge is leaning toward suicide.”
“Have you done any research on this Agent Suarez who seemed to be at the scene alarmingly fast for an FBI agent? I would have expected local police to call the FBI in after they realized who the victim was, but he was there almost immediately.”
“I’ve looked into him. He’s been the agent in charge of finding and apprehending Mr. Montgomery since he was linked to all those murders months ago. When I asked how he arrived so quickly, he said he was in the area chasing down a lead.”
“And did you believe him?”
“Not one bit,” Eli answered. “Maybe I’m wrong, but I’ve been around cops my entire life. I get a feeling he’s dirty. He’s working without a partner, which seems suspicious enough, and when I called his office in Washington, his secretary told me he’s on vacation overseas for the next month.”
Soaking in what Eli had just told me, I simply nodded. “Okay. Thanks. Just keep on it.”
“Yes, sir.”
“What else?”
Martin cleared his throat. “On a possibly unrelated note–”
“Nothing is unrelated anymore,” I interrupted.
He