in and telling her the full story. Tracy had been understandably worried, and while I’d wanted to dramatically refuse to share my tale of woe, I couldn’t take her worried expressions during brunch.
I’d spilled everything as soon as we were back in the car.
She’d listened, nodding along, and then told me in no uncertain terms that Ace did like me, that I needed to think about why I felt the need to believe otherwise, and then while I’d still been sputtering in denial, she’d suggested we enjoy the day.
Which we had, until now.
“Benji, I know you don’t want to hear this,” she said gently. “But you’re working way too hard to deny what’s right in front of you.”
“I’m almost afraid to ask.”
“You and Ace have hung out a lot,” she said. “You’re friends, right?”
“He’s my brother’s friend,” I clarified.
“Yeah? So, is your brother there when you guys hang out?”
“Well, no, he’s in Chicago.”
“Right. So, Ace has been hanging out with you, without your brother,” she said, ticking off points on her fingers. “He looked at you like you were a slice of chocolate cake and he was on a diet.”
I snorted. “He’s ridiculously fit.”
She nodded, eyes twinkling as she tapped another finger. “He’s superhot and he looked like a kicked puppy when he watched you walk away with your date.”
“That’s only four fingers. Your ticking off points on your fingers, and you can’t even do all five?”
She held up her thumb. “You’re ridiculous, but fine. He told you he’s your secret admirer and really likes you,” she said. “All five fingers accounted for.”
I mulled it over, trying to pinpoint why I wanted to reject what she was saying. It wasn’t that I didn’t want it to be true. I’d lusted after Ace for years, and recently, I’d begun to like him as a friend. It’d felt like I was finally getting to know him, the real him, not “my brother’s friend who hangs around,” but Ace, the person.
When he’d shared that story about being stood up for prom? I’d felt a connection. That night had felt far more like a date than that stupid party with Jonas.
Then I’d ruined it by kissing him. Or so I’d thought.
Had that kiss been as one-sided as I believed? At the time, I’d been mortified that I’d swooned into a kiss with a straight guy. But had he wanted to kiss me? Had it been a mutual swoon?
And if it had, did that change anything?
“He lied to me,” I said. “Even if I believe all those things, he’s been keeping this secret and it’s not just that he did it and didn’t tell me, but we had a lot of conversations about it. He used to ask me regularly if I’d gotten anything new, and—” I stopped, smacking a hand to my forehead. “I can’t believe I didn’t see through that.”
Tracy sipped her water, watching me smugly as the realization dawned. Ace talked to me about my secret admirer so much because it was him, because he wanted to see my reactions, because he needed … validation?
Was it possible a guy like Ace, so outwardly confident and sexy, could have a crush so similar to mine?
“It’s just so unbelievable,” I muttered.
“Why?” Tracy asked.
“Because he’s him, and I’m me.”
“Benji, maybe the real problem here isn’t Ace liking you or not revealing he was your secret admirer right away. Maybe the problem is that you don’t like you.”
“What? Yes, I do.”
“Then why are you so determined to believe you’re worth less than he is? Why can’t he care about you? Why can’t he have doubts like any other guy? You told me he’s only had girlfriends in the past. Maybe he’s grappling with the fact he wants a guy. Or maybe his friendship with your brother has complicated his feelings. I don’t know his reasons. I’m just saying … there are plenty of reasons for him to feel unsure of himself. You’ll never know if you don’t hear him out.”
I didn’t think I was worth less, did I? Sexuality aside, I just always considered Ace far out of my league. And, okay, maybe I wasn’t the most confident guy, but I liked to consider myself a realist. Ace was physically fit, with a great body. I hadn’t seen the inside of a gym since it I fulfilled my high school physical education requirements.
Ace was friendly, always smiling. One of those guys everyone liked. But also, he was considerate, concerned about my happiness, always ready to be