you should get lost?”
I can’t stop my eyes from rolling. “Oh, we talked all right.”
Dylan leans back on his stool. “Good. That’s good. And it’s all worked out? Or not?”
My embarrassment seems to hang between us like a livewire no one wants to touch first. “Not even close.”
Max leans back against the bar. “Did she get mad at you or something? Sometimes they’re really funny about us not calling and stuff.”
“Worse.”
“Did she slap you?”
“Worse.”
He angles himself toward me. “What the hell could be worse? I don’t think Cora’s capable of kicking you in the balls.”
“What balls?”
Max exhales a huffy sigh. “Your very blue balls. Just spill it already.”
My stomach topples over itself. “They’re not blue anymore. We kind of had sex.”
He slaps me on the back. “That’s great news!” After a few seconds, he sighs again. “Uh oh. Did you say, ‘kind of?’ How do you kind of have sex? Did you do that just the tip shit? Please tell me that’s not it. She’s Cora. Your one and only. You have to wrap it and all that. And go deep.”
I slice a hand through the air. “I did.”
“Blaine, I fail to see what the problem is here. Did Cora do something wrong? Something weird or something? Did she ask you to piss on her?” He sketches some air quotes. “God, it’s always the shy ones.”
I grab my scotch back from the all of a sudden silent Dylan and throw it down the back of my throat. “Jesus Christ! Don’t talk about her like that.” I lower my voice down to a raspy whisper. “She did not ask me to piss on her. She didn’t ask me for anything. She was dead silent the entire time. And she didn’t… she didn’t…”
Max ropes his fingers toward me, trying to pull out the humiliation. “She didn’t…?”
The word sits like a ball of steel lodged in my sternum. “Come.”
“How do you know?” Dylan asks, chewing on his lower lip.
I put my forehead on the wooden bar and mumble, “Because I only lasted about thirty seconds.”
Max gestures to the bartender. “Um… we’re gonna need the whole bottle.”
Dylan nods with his signature Grumpy McGrumperton frown. “Maybe two.”
The bartender looks at me with empathy, but he brings the bottle down and grabs two more neat glasses so he can line them up.
Max pours a few fingers into each one. “This one’s on me. I guess I won’t make you spill the grim details. Man… that… sucks.”
I toss back another gulp. “Maybe the slow burn isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.”
Max snorts. “Not when the slow burn lasts decades. Shit. What are we gonna do about this?”
I shove my tongue in my cheek. “We’re not gonna do anything. I’m gonna go home and not leave my condo until I’m ready for the rest home. I’m never having sex again.”
“You mean you’re never having sex with Cora again?” Dylan asks.
“No. I mean I’m never having sex again. With anyone. Sex sucks.”
Max takes a swig of his scotch. “But you’ve had bad sex before. Everybody has. Even me. I’ll even admit that I couldn’t get girls off before I really knew what I was doing. All that shit’s a rite of passage. It’s nothing to get stinking drunk and depressed over. Dust yourself off and try again.”
I shake my head like the pathetic loser I am. “Nope. I was saving myself for Cora. I’ve done… other things. But dick in the hole? This was my first time. I fucking blew it!”
He runs a hand through his hair. “You should have had her blow it. You would have lasted longer. It’s called rimming.”
For a second, I think D’s scotch is going to go straight up his nose. He starts laughing and coughing. When he finally can speak clearly, he says, “Um… Monroe. That’s called edging. Maybe you better look up what rimming is before you use that word again with virgin Blaine here.”
Max grins. “Even if Cora hadn’t slept with him, he wouldn’t have died a virgin. Life already fucked him.”
Dylan beats the bar with his fingers. “Bada bing bada boom.”
Max kicks the footrest on his bar stool. “Dude, I can’t believe you saved yourself for her and you’re not even religious. You’re like a fucking virgin unicorn. And you never told me? I thought we were best friends? What the hell? I don’t know if I can ever trust you again. Man, what were you thinking when I droned on and one about all the hot pussy I