breath, rubbing roughly at his face. “I’m going to kill him,” he says, mostly to himself. “I told him to leave you alone.”
“He’s done it to others, hasn’t he?” I ask.
Realm nods, and then looks over at me, pained. “I think maybe it’s been going on for a while.”
I cringe thinking about girls here having sex with that freak, and I can’t believe I ever let him touch me. I just wanted to keep my life. Keep myself. I feel violated and stupid, and I wrap my arms around myself as I sit back in the chair.
“It doesn’t work, you know,” Realm says. “The pill to block. With the memory out of context, it’ll never come back or make sense. You shouldn’t take it.”
I flinch as if I’ve been slapped. I’d let Roger touch me, and now I wasn’t getting what I was promised. It was for nothing. I did it for nothing.
“It doesn’t work?” I ask, my voice strained. Realm shakes his head. My world practically crumbles around me. My only hope is gone. I’d pinned everything on keeping the memories. I’m truly lost.
“You should give the pill to me,” he says.
“I can’t,” I say quietly. “I already took it.”
Realm’s face flares with anger. “You idiot,” he says. “You could have been killed.”
Stunned, I lower my eyes, Realm’s harsh words stinging. I move to get up but he reaches quickly for my hand.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I didn’t mean that. Please don’t go. I’m just frustrated, Sloane.” He stops talking, and when I finally look up again, he exhales. “Sorry,” he repeats, sliding his fingers from mine. “Let’s just change the subject, okay?”
I don’t have anywhere else to go, so I sit back down. “Whatever,” I say. Realm is always so accepting of The Program, so ready to let them take his past. But that’s not me. I don’t want to change.
Realm scoots over on the bed, patting the blanket. “Will you sit with me?” he asks. I nod, and move to put my knee on the bed, climbing up next to him.
“It’s going to be okay,” he says softly. “It’s almost over.”
I stare at him, the air seeming to rush out of me. “Is that all I have to look forward to? The point where I’m empty?”
He smiles sadly. “It won’t hurt anymore once you forget. It’s the only thing that can save us now.” He bends to rest his forehead against mine, whispering. “We can’t go on like this. You have a huge hole here.” He puts his palm over my heart, and the touch is intimate and almost comforting. It’s not butterflies or romantic—I don’t have those feelings for him. But it’s a touch that makes me feel human. Alive.
“I don’t know if I can make it,” I say, closing my eyes.
“You can. You’ve made it this far. And hell, you’re not dead, right?” He moves back and takes my chin, making me look at him. “Now I want you to hold me,” he jokes, curling me against him as we lie back against the pillows.
“It’s lucky that we were both here,” he continues as he begins to play with my hair. “Otherwise I’d have to snuggle with Nurse Kell.”
I laugh, putting my hand on his chest, over his heart. I’m surprised by how fast it’s beating. “You nervous?” I ask.
“Well, I am in bed with a pretty girl. I think this sort of reaction is beyond my control.”
I sit up, and Realm shifts to lie flat on the bed. I get on my elbow and look down at his face. The black under his eye has faded, and his skin looks healthier than it did the first time I met him. The scar around his neck is healed, and I wonder how old it is. I trace my index finger over the raised pink line, and he holds his breath, his dark eyes meeting mine.
“Does it still hurt?” I ask.
Realm licks his lips but is slow to answer. “Every day.”
I pause, my finger under his chin. “Me too,” I respond.
Realm reaches to draw me closer, and I don’t pull away. I’m so lonely, so broken that I don’t think I’ll ever be fixed. Being with someone could make me forget for a while. Realm’s been good to me. He’s my friend.
But as he leans forward, something inside of me seizes up. Just when his mouth meets mine, I turn away, making his lips brush my cheek instead. “I can’t,” I murmur. Realm is not my