to care about me.
So I lean forward and kiss him, ignoring the sharp guilt that attacks my conscience. I push it away and let my mouth capture Realm’s. It takes a second for him to react, and then he’s kissing me, his hand around my waist as he pulls me onto his lap, peeling off my wet shirt.
I want to forget about everything. I want to forget about James.
My chest fills again with jagged pain, but then Realm rolls me off the couch, getting on top of me as we lie on the carpet. He’s kissing my neck, his hands searching my body as I try to feel him. Feel what it would be like to be with him.
But I’m a million miles away, and all I feel is lost and abandoned. I’m alone.
Realm’s mouth stops at my ear, panting wildly. I realize that I’m on my back, staring at the ceiling as tears leak from the corners of my eyes. Realm’s hand slides away from my breast, and he turns me toward him.
“You don’t want this,” he says, sadness in his voice. “You still love him.”
His words startle me, but I don’t argue. He’s put a name to the emotion raging inside of me. I know suddenly that I do love someone. Someone else.
Realm tries to laugh it away, shaking his head. “God,” he says. “He’s such a dick, too.” Realm lies next to me, shoulder to shoulder, as we both gaze up at the wooden-beamed ceiling.
“It’s James, isn’t it?” I ask softly, not sure what to do now.
“Yep,” Realm answers. “You love him. Always have. And not being with him is confusing. You may not remember him, but your heart does.” Realm turns his face toward me. “I wanted to be the one to make you happy, but you’ll always be his.”
I swallow hard, not disbelieving it, but not understanding it either. Loneliness crawls over me. “No,” I say. “That part of my life is over. I don’t think he feels that way about me. At least not anymore.”
“He does.” Realm sighs. “He definitely does.”
“Was it because of Brady?” I ask, thinking it’s the clear explanation. “Is that why James was with me, because my brother died?”
“No. You loved each other. I believe the word you used was ‘madly.’” He pauses. “You’ve always loved each other. You always will.”
I lie next to Realm, half-naked on his floor, as he tells me that I love someone else—something I can’t remember, but something I can feel. The frustration I came in with eases, although the headache is still there.
“And my headache?” I ask.
“Your brain is repairing itself. That one memory you had cracked the smooth sequence of events they placed in therapy. Your mind knows something is wrong. Now it’s slowly binding back together. Let’s just be glad it was one memory, and not all of them.”
I look sideways at him, wondering if he truly believes that I’m better this way. “Why don’t you want me to remember everything?” I ask. “What could I have told you that was so awful that it’s worth living like this?”
Realm smiles sadly. “Some things are better left in the past. For all our sakes.” Tears run from his eyes then, and I think about what I’ve done to him tonight, how I’ve wronged him.
“So if I have these feelings about James, where does it leave you?”
“In love with a girl who loves another. Very Shakespearean, if you ask me.”
I lean into him, putting my hand over his heart and wishing I could care about him in the same way. But even now, even when James is still so far away from me, I know that I can’t love Realm. He’s not mine.
We settle in next to each other, the coals in the fireplace burning out. “The guy that died,” I say quietly. “He said the epidemic is spreading to adults.” Realm tenses. “What happens if that’s true?” I ask.
“You shouldn’t worry about things like this so soon after treatment,” he says. “You should be focusing on recovery, listening to your handler when he warns you of—”
It occurs to me that I haven’t told him about Kevin. “Realm,” I say. “They pulled Kevin off my recovery.”
He looks over at me immediately. “When did that happen?”
“Yesterday.”
Realm swears under his breath but then apologizes. “Don’t worry,” he says. “I’ll check into it. I’m sure you’re just too damn healthy to need a handler or something.”
He lies back, but I notice a crease between his eyebrows as