see egg yolk smeared on her empty plate.
“Good morning, Rachel,” I said. “Maybe we can start over.”
That just got her mad.
“Look, Jack, I’m not going to treat you gently, either. Just how do you expect me to react to you now?”
“I don’t know. The whole time with those guys I’ve been answering their questions but doing nothing but thinking about you. About us.”
I studied her face for reaction but got none. She was looking down at her plate.
“Look, I could try to explain to you all the reasons I thought it was you but it wouldn’t matter. It all comes down to me, Rachel. Something in me is missing and . . . I couldn’t accept what you offered without some suspicion, some kind of cynicism. It was from that small doubt that everything grew and got blown out of proportion. . . Rachel, you have my apology and my promise that if I were given a new chance with you I would work to overcome it, to fill that void. And I promise you that I would succeed.”
Still nothing, not even eye contact. I became resigned. It was over.
“Rachel, can I ask you something?”
“What is it?”
“Your father. And you . . . Did he hurt you?”
“Do you mean did he fuck me?”
I just looked at her, silently.
“That’s part of me and my life I don’t have to talk to anyone about.”
I turned my coffee cup on the table, staring at it like it was the most interesting thing I’d ever seen. Now I was the one who couldn’t look up.
“Well, I’ve got to get back up there,” I finally said. “They only gave me fifteen minutes.”
I made a move to stand up.
“Have you told them about me?” she asked.
I stopped.
“About us? No, I’ve been trying to avoid that.”
“Don’t hold back with them, Jack. They already know, anyway.”
“You told them?”
“Yes. There was no point in trying to hide anything from them.”
I nodded.
“What if I tell them and they ask if we still are . . . if we still have a relationship?”
“Tell them the jury’s still out.”
I nodded again and stood up. Her use of the word jury reminded me of my own thoughts of the night before when in my mind, as the jury of one, I had reached a verdict about her. I thought it was only appropriate now that she should be weighing the evidence against me.
“Let me know when you reach a verdict.”
I dropped the doughnut into the trash can by the cafeteria door on my way out.
It was almost noon before I finished with Kelley and Cooper. It was also not until then that I heard about Backus. Walking through the field office I noticed how empty it was. The doors to all the group rooms were open and the desks empty. It was like a detective bureau during a cop’s funeral, and in a way it was. I almost walked back to the interrogation room where I had left my inquisitors to ask them what was going on. But I knew they didn’t like me and wouldn’t tell me anything they didn’t want or have to tell me.
As I passed the communications room, I heard the chatter of two-way radio talk. I looked in and saw Rachel sitting alone in the room. She had a microphone console in front of her on a desk. I walked in.
“Hey.”
“Hey.”
“I’m done. They told me I could leave. Where is everyone? What’s going on?”
“They’re all out looking for him.”
“Backus?”
She nodded.
“I thought . . .” I didn’t finish. It was obvious now that he hadn’t been found at the bottom of the drop-off. I hadn’t asked before because I just assumed that his body had been recovered. “Jesus. How could he have . . .”
“Survived? Who knows? He was gone by the time they got down there with their flashlights and dogs. There was a tall eucalyptus tree. They found blood in the upper branches. The theory is that he fell into the tree. It broke his fall. The dogs lost his scent on the road further down the hill. The helicopter was pretty much useless except for keeping everybody on the hillside up half the night. Everybody but you. They’re still out there. We’ve put everybody out on the street, the hospitals. So far, nothing.”
“Jesus.”
Backus was still out there. Somewhere. I couldn’t believe it.
“I wouldn’t worry,” she said. “The possibility that he would go after you, or me for that matter, is considered very remote. His goal now