conceded. And since their sperm had been mixed, leaving who would be the biological father to chance, I teased maybe they’d each father one. I really had been kidding, until Dr. White informed us all it could happen.
Three days after the embryos had reached a certain stage of maturation, I was prepped for implantation while anxiety dominated. It was time. I wanted it to work so badly that I began freaking out with worry that it wouldn’t. As I lay on the paper-covered examining table after the procedure was over, the next phase of emotions came through fear. I would be responsible for a tiny human, maybe even two, over the next nine months. What if something went wrong, and worse than that, what if it was because of something I did?
It was hard not to allow those fears to wreak havoc on my emotions, but for my sake and the guys’, I needed to rein it in. And right then and there in the IVF room, I pulled out my relaxation skills, breathing through the panic, which led to a deep state of contrition. By bartering with a higher power to help me through this phase of my life, I prayed all went well without incident, so that Ricky and Cooper could have their family. I prayed the experience would be all I had hoped it would be, and I would emerge a better person because of it. For good measure, I even prayed that Ryder would understand and accept my news.
Once back in my apartment, Ricky and Cooper ensured I had everything I needed for the rest of the day before they left to allow me to relax… according to them, my one and only job.
Happy to oblige, I snuggled in my comfy king-size bed. My bedroom was my haven, decorated in creams and whites. Accented by the natural daylight that spilled into the room, along with some of my favorite beach scenes I’d had hanging on my wall in Jersey. Calm came quickly in that setting. I had been so engrossed in the movie on my big screen that I barely heard my cell phone buzzing beside me on the end table.
Not recognizing the number, I decided to answer in case it was someone from my ob-gyn’s office. “Hello?”
“Hey, Ree.”
The sound of his voice had me sitting up in a panic, as if he was in my room. “Hi. Where are you calling from?”
“Oh, this is my office line. I had a moment to breathe and decided to call you.” The awkward pause that followed made it difficult for me to know what to say. I had so much bottled up, ready to come out, but to voice even one word of it would’ve sent me down a specific path. Ryder took pity on me and asked, “Last time we spoke you were settling in. How’ve ya been?”
“Great. I love my new place.”
“Glad to hear that.”
“How are you? Still busy at work?”
“Yeah, when it rains, it pours.” He sounded tired, or maybe bored with my cagey behavior. Who could blame him? “I, um…” A short pause came before he added, “I actually called for a reason.”
“Is everything okay?”
“That depends… on you.”
“On me?”
“Yes. What are you doing for dinner?”
Shit… “Actually, I was feeling a bit under the weather and am in bed—”
“Then I’d love to bring dinner to you.”
“It really isn’t a good time for me, Ryder.” Deafening silence came, except that my heart pounded so frantically I heard it in my ears. “I’m sorry. I just need some more time.”
“Okay, Ree. I understand.” I was so grateful he wasn’t going to pressure me that I practically sighed out loud. That was until realization came that maybe I had pushed him away one too many times, and he really had had enough.
Desperation forced me to say, “Can I call you in a few days? We can talk then, maybe meet for lunch?”
“Of course. I’ll wait for your call. Bye, Ree.” When he then hung up without another word, emotions, hormones, the damn movie, and even having the love of my life within reach yet still too far away all hit me at once, and I had myself a good cry.
I hadn’t heard a word from Ryder in four days.
No flirty texts. No touch-base calls.
Nothing.
Meanwhile, I spent the time doing as little as possible, staying off my feet, avoiding strenuous activity. Cooper and Ricky gave me some space while calling often to be sure I had everything I needed.
Really,