out, right?”
“Nope,” she says, refusing to look at me.
“We’re best friends. Our parents live right next door to one another. You can’t avoid me forever.”
“Fine, let’s go to your room,” she says, tossing the empty bag aside and standing up.
I stand up and follow her back now that the adults are busy in the kitchen.
I close the door and walk toward her. “Look…”
“No, you look. What you said to me wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that you said it the way you said it or when you did. But I’m putting it behind me. What we had there for a few days was fun, but look at what it’s done to us, Carson. We’re not even the same people we were a week ago.”
“What are you saying?” I ask, taken aback.
She takes a deep breath and runs her hand through her hair. “I’m saying that…maybe you were right. Maybe I shouldn’t have pushed you. Maybe you shouldn’t have given in. Maybe we shouldn’t have done the things we did. It’s done nothing but confuse us and tear us apart. So, in the spirit of Christmas, I’m going to forgive you. I’m going to forget what you said and go back to how we were before.”
“Oh,” is all I can say.
“No more fighting. No more avoiding. Just two friends. Deal?”
I nod my head even though I don’t know why. Again, just me trying to give her anything she asks for.
“Good,” she breathes out. Then she pulls me in for a hug. Her heat consumes me. Her scent draws me in. My heart starts racing in my chest, begging me to lean in just a bit more and press my lips to hers. I’m craving her taste, her soft lips moving with mine. I need her more now than I’ve ever needed her before. There’s too much between us now to go back to how we were. There was too much before, but now? No way can I move on and pretend all this didn’t happen. Now that I’ve had her in my arms, in my bed, I can’t go back to just being her friend.
Not even if that’s what she wants?
Someone knocks on the door and it opens inwardly. Mom pokes her head in and looks relieved. “Thank baby Jesus. No blanket forts. Come eat dinner, you two.”
Felicity pulls away and follows my mom out of the room, leaving me alone once again. I collapse onto the bed, wondering how I can make her see that this is a bad idea. We can’t go back. We can only move forward. How can I get her to move forward with me?
“Come on, we ain’t waiting all day,” Mom says from down the hall.
I get my ass up and leave the room, heading for the dinner table. The five of us sit around the table just as we have in the years past. My mom and stepdad sit together; Mrs. B sits across from us, and me and Felicity are across from one another. I used to reach under the table and tickle her legs or pinch her, kick her if need be. But today, there’s none of that. I feel like she’s just ripped my heart out of my chest and stomped on it. Mom says grace and we all bow our heads, then she picks up a dish, takes a serving, and passes it along. Before long, we’re all eating. Everyone’s talking about the Christmas’ from the past and the memories we share. All but me that is. I have nothing to offer this conversation. I sit and eat quietly and nobody but Felicity seems to notice. When I look up from my plate, her eyes are on me, but the moment I try to meet her gaze, her eyes dash away.
After the table is cleared, we all move to the living room for gifts. We all have a glass of wine as we sit around the room. I drink mine a little too quickly and get up for another while my stepfather passes out gifts. When I come back into the room, I look at Felicity and see her big smile as she holds up a sweater my mom gave her for Christmas.
“Thank you,” she says. “I love it.”
“Psh,” accidentally slips out and everyone looks at me. I shake my head so they disregard the comment but take my seat and think, oh, you can love a sweater but you can’t love me? Okay, maybe I should stay away from