cry.
Carson was always a bit of a player, but I never thought he’d play me. I tell myself not to overreact. He clearly didn’t want the kiss, not like he wants my kisses anyway. Since hooking up yesterday, he hasn’t been able to keep his hands off of me. In fact, it seems he would be completely content just staying in bed with me all day, but Gillian, Big Boobs as I call her, she’s trying to throw a wrench in our plan.
Mom finally finds her keys and she starts the car up and backs out of the drive. I tear my eyes away from them on their front porch and focus on spending the day with my mom. We drive to the center of town and get out to walk around the square. It’s just as full as yesterday with everyone out to enjoy the ice rink.
“You remember when I would bring you and Carson here every year?”
I smile and nod. “Of course.”
“I remember that time you called me, crying and asking me to pick you up early. You never did tell me what happened.”
I laugh. “It’s stupid, Mom.”
“Either way, I’d like to know.”
“I had a huge crush on Carson, but he was too old for me. He was pushing eighteen and I was only turning fifteen. He was there to meet his girlfriend and I went to meet my boyfriend at the time.”
“I didn’t know you even had a boyfriend then.”
I laugh. “I know. I didn’t tell anyone. He was sixteen and Carson hated him. Anyway, I thought that I could make Carson jealous and I don’t know, get his attention or something. But we ended up fighting about it and he left with his girlfriend. Anyway, I bought us both a hot chocolate and I planned on giving it to him and telling him I was sorry and asking if he’d go on a carriage ride with me. When I went to find him, I saw him getting on the carriage with his girlfriend and it broke my heart. I threw the hot chocolate away and called you to pick me up.”
She gives me a sympathetic look. “Oh, honey. You and Carson have been running headlong into each other for years for a reason.”
I roll my eyes. “I don’t know about that now,” I say, thinking back to Gillian kissing him on the porch.
“Why? Because of that girl?” she asks.
“You saw that?”
“Of course. Why do you think I took so long to find my keys? I wanted to see what was going to happen.”
I laugh. “Oh my God, Mom.”
“What?” she asks, shrugging her shoulders. “He’s a good boy. He will do the right thing. Just don’t give up on him yet.”
“You think so? Even after seeing their kiss?”
“Oh, honey. It was clear he didn’t want that kiss. Don’t hold that against him. He’s just too nice to pimp slap that ho across the face for trying something like that.”
I bust out laughing. “Oh my God, Mom. You seriously need to stop watching Comedy Central.”
She giggles. “Why, I like it and it makes me cool with the kids.”
“What kids?” I question.
“The ones that come into the store. I have a group that come in to see me every day, just to talk and listen to the wackadoodle things I’ll say.”
I shake my head. “God, shoot me now.”
“Now, forget all your troubles and let’s go get some shopping done, huh?”
Shopping is a nice distraction, but it’s not enough. Every time I let my guard down, I find myself thinking of Carson and Big Boobs. It’s killing me that she’s there and I hate that I can’t let it go. Carson isn’t mine. Sure, we’ve been hooking up, but that doesn’t mean he’s mine. In fact, I think we both agreed on one night, well, two now.
I thought being with Carson would be magical, amazing, life-changing, but I couldn’t wrap my head around how much it would change me. I thought it was only going to be one time. I thought that things couldn’t get complicated if it only happened once. But it was so good that I needed more than once. And he hasn’t been able to keep his hands to himself since. So, what made it so good?
Was it because we both wanted it so badly? Was it because we’d been waiting so long, always denying ourselves? Or is it something else? I try to think back on every other sexual experience I’ve had and none of them