to lie down on my bed.
What am I doing? I love that man. I know I do. Why can’t he just love me for who I really am and not some easy girl I played to be with him. Looking back, I guess I was always easy for him. I’ve always wanted him and was never afraid of letting him know it, not when I got older anyway. But I never went to the lengths to get anyone as I went to for him. He’s always attracted the easy girls, the girls looking for a good time. The ones who would show up to a party barely dressed with their boobs hanging out. He’d find the easiest one and take her to some bedroom where he’d spend several hours buried deep inside her. Does he think I’m like the rest of them? Or that I’m this way with every guy? Why would he tell me that way? Why didn’t he love me years ago?
With my crying, sleep finds me easily. I drift in and out all night, each time only going back to dream of him some more.
“Why doesn’t he notice me?” I ask my friend, Lauren, as I lean against the wall at a party. I’m only a freshman so he takes me to every party, but he always leaves me with a friend while he goes off and has a good time with whatever girl he finds. Why can’t I be the girl he finds?
“He does notice you, Felicity. It’s just that he doesn’t see you that way. To him, you’re his little sister and you just need to move on. Like with him,” she says, pointing at some random guy.
I turn and look at who she’s pointing at. Hey, that’s not a bad idea. He’s over there with a blonde on his lap. He’s making me jealous. Maybe I can do the same.
I walk over and talk to the guy she pointed out for me. I find out his name is Steven and he just got chosen to be on the football team. Even better. Carson is on the football team, which would make him really jealous. We talk and hang out. He drinks but I don’t. I know if Carson caught me drinking, he’d drag me out of here and give me a longer lecture than even my mom would. The more I get to know, the more I get to like. Maybe Lauren was right. Maybe I just needed a distraction and Steven seems like the perfect distraction.
He’s holding my hand and running his finger along my cheek when I blush. He’s getting closer and closer and the next thing I know, I’m sitting on his lap and he’s kissing me. Like, really kissing me. He’s holding my face and keeping me in place. I feel my body start to come alive but that must be like a beacon that calls to Carson because he comes over and grabs me up by my arm.
“What do you think you’re doing?” he asks, seemingly repulsed by my actions.
I frown. “What? It’s no different than what you’re doing over there.” I point to the girl who’s now sitting on the couch instead of his lap, pouting.
His eyes flash from me, to her, and back. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”
Ha! Finally.
“Let’s go,” he demands, pulling me toward the door.
“Wait? What?”
“You’re right. I shouldn’t be over there doing that in front of you. I’m sorry. Now I’m going to take you home.” The girl walks up to him and he tells her he’ll be back.
Now I’m mad. It was one thing when he was going home with me, but now he’s taking me home and coming back to finish what he started where I can’t see? No way. This is not happening.
He drags me out of the house party and to his car. He puts me in the passenger side seat and climbs behind the wheel. No worries about him drinking. He never does when I’m with him. He’s too afraid to set a bad example.
“What’s your problem, Carson?”
He looks at me. “I don’t have a problem, Felicity,” he spits out my name.
“You clearly do, Carson,” I spit out his name in the same disgust.
He lets out a long breath and shakes his head. “You really expect me to be okay with watching you sit on some loser’s lap and make out with him?”
I roll my eyes. “You really expect me to be okay watching you make out with some skank