happiness. I was at the top of my game, newly transitioned into CEO as my father was stepping down. Everything was perfect.
Until what was supposed to be another joyous time in our life had turned into tragedy.
I breathed through my next words. “I know you know what’s happening before I even say it.” It was hard to put into words what I was feeling in my heart—or more so, what was going on in my head. So, I diverted to easier topics, to what I could easily talk about.
“So, Sarah is doing well. She started reading this fantasy author. Mason did research, and he doesn’t think it’s age appropriate. I agreed with him on that one.” I laughed because everyone needed a Mason in their family. He was the book, food, and television police. “It’s young adult, but there is … yeah … I haven’t had the sex talk with her yet. I was hoping that you could do it for me when the time came to it …” My voice softened, and my chest tightened again.
My lips turned downward. Big talks, huge milestones that were celebrated—they were just reminders that Nat was gone.
“I miss you, babe.” My fingers reached for the grass, pulling them out from the roots. A huge lump formed in the back of my throat, and I tried to swallow down the pain. “We have a new nanny …” I let my words trail off. “A highly recommended person from Patty.” My fingers pulled at more grass, uprooting it from the soil. “I don’t even know why I’m here. I mean, obviously to visit you.” A low laugh escaped my lips.
I could already picture her blue eyes blazing back at me as she said, Charles. Get to the point. Get it all out. It’ll make you feel better.
I sighed. I never beat around the bush. Not when it came to work, not when it came to my brothers, but I was always afraid to upset Nat. Whatever that was—afraid to tell her I’d gotten into a fender bender when Sarah was in the car, afraid to tell her I had to work late or cancel our vacation because of work.
Now, that same feeling bubbled to the surface.
I was always the most vulnerable with Nat—when she had been alive and now. With her, I was my truest, rawest form, and I missed that because everywhere else in my life, I had to be strong—for the company, for my family. But with Nat, she was always my strength, the strong one in our relationship. She always knew what I needed before I did. When I’d had a bad day at work and when I was down, she’d wrap her arms around me and kiss the hollow of my neck. She’d tell me how wonderful I was, make me my favorite dessert, give me a massage. She was my daily dose of sunshine in a stressful day.
I stared at her tombstone, knowing she heard me—because she always seemed to answer my requests, big or small.
Tell me about Becky.
I could almost hear the words in my head, as though it had been whispered. Part of me wondered if it was my subconscious conjuring up what Natalie would say.
Charles. Just spill it.
I laughed again, picturing her face, the tilt of her head, her raised eyebrows, as if to tell me, What already? Tell me.
I closed my eyes tightly, seeing only darkness behind my lids. Where is all this shame coming from? I hadn’t made a pass toward Becky.
Not yet, the voice said.
Through the darkness, Natalie’s face came into view, her smile blinding, a warm peace washing over me.
“I think I’m attracted to her,” I finally said, in a hushed tone.
I’d told Natalie about Vivian before, in passing, as though I were in a confessional and she were a priest.
This felt different. As though I was seeking advice.
“It’s more than attraction actually.” I rubbed at my brow, searching her headstone for something, anything. I didn’t know. A sign maybe.
“I think … I think I’m beginning to like her. She’s great with the kids, caring and sweet and thoughtful. Protective even though they aren’t hers.” I let out a long sigh, admitting it more fully. “I like her.” Shit. This is real. More real than I’d thought. Plus, I knew the feeling; it wasn’t as intense of a love that I’d had for Natalie, but it didn’t mean it couldn’t get there. “I don’t even know why I’m sitting here, telling you all