you love yourself, Nell. And you know how many men out there can do that? Like, none. If you love him, then for the life of me, I can’t understand why you would say no way!”
“Because! Didn’t you see all those clips from the finale? He clearly didn’t feel the same way and was just wanting to marry me for the extra money. That’s all.”
“Nell. I watched the finale, yes. But I also watched the whole season. I saw him falling utterly in love with you. Utterly in love.”
“That’s not possible. No one in that finale saw that.”
“Of course they did! They were jealous, maybe. We all saw you two staring into each other’s eyes for an eternity when you finally won, and he was whispering to you, and it was like you were the only woman in the world. He’s stupid silly in love with you. I have no doubt about that. Watch the clips again if you don’t believe me.”
I shake my head. “You’re wrong.”
“No, honey. You know I’m right. That’s why you’re destroyed. Because you found your soul mate, the man who made you your best self, and you were looking happiness in the eye, and instead you let other people tell you how to feel. You screwed up, sweetie. But it’s okay. I have no doubt from the way he looked when you stormed off the stage that he’s waiting for you, probably feeling as bad as you feel right now.”
I cover my face with my hands, my whole body shaking with self-loathing and regret. “I did screw up, didn’t I? And you know how pathetic I am? Part of me thinks that even if he wanted to stay married to me just for the money, I should have still stayed with him. It would’ve been better than this. Because this . . . without him? I hate it. I can’t stand it.”
“Trust me. It wasn’t about the money for him. Go after him. Get your man.”
I shake my head, feeling like a ton of bricks is sitting right on my chest. “I can’t. I had my chance. I blew it.”
She gives me a disappointed look. “Why? Because Nell Carpenter always has to be right and can’t admit when she’s wrong?”
“Yes. Pretty much.”
“Even if it means the difference between happiness and utter misery?”
I nod. “I deserve utter misery for what I did to him. Did you know that I was the one who had to jump him? He kept refusing to have sex with me, because he didn’t think he was good enough. And then when we finally did have sex, he proposed to me. For real. He gave me this.” I reach into my bedside table and pull out the ring. “To tell me he wanted me. Forever.”
I drop it in her palm, and she gasps at it. “Oh, gosh. Oh, Nell. That’s probably the most heart-wrenching and romantic thing I’ve ever heard of. What the fuck did you do?”
I start to sob. “I don’t deserve him. I’m a horrible person, and I don’t. I spent all this time thinking I was too good for him, when he’s too good for me. I think I deserve to be miserable for the rest of my life because of what I did to him.”
“Sweetie, you don’t. You deserve to be happy.”
“And he does too. But he doesn’t deserve to have someone walk all over him the way I did,” I tell her, squaring my shoulders. “That’s why I want to go to Amherst. I need to get away from all this. From him. Even if our paths never cross in this city, just knowing he’s in the same town and what we could’ve had will kill me.”
She hands me the ring. “You have to give that back to him, first.”
My eyes drift to the ring. It’s so pretty. I’ve known I need to give it back, but the thought of going to him and handing it to him fills me with dread. “I know. Maybe I can just mail it to him. I have the address of his bar.”
Courtney shakes her head. “Cop-out. That’s the old Nell talking. The one who hid from the real world and was afraid of her own shadow. You’re not that woman anymore. You know it. You know hiding out here in your room isn’t you. You have to talk to him.”
She’s right. And even if it’s doubtlessly going to be the most painful thing I’ve ever done, I have to see