nose.
We sit down at the kitchen table, and I look around. Everything looks smaller, somehow. Colder. Like it doesn’t belong to me anymore. “I think I’m just really overtired,” I tell her, wiping my eyes as Joe sets a cup of tea in front of me. I dunk the tea bag and sigh. “I know it’s only been a couple of weeks, but I’ve been planning for the appearance for months. Now everything feels so different. I’ve just spent the entire flight trying to decide what’s going to happen now. After.”
“Well, you do what you have to do now. I’m sure it will be a little weird, since you’re going to be on television. But then it’ll calm down,” she says as Joe sits beside her. “So can you tell us what episode you got kicked off?”
“Yeah,” Joe adds. “How far did you get?”
I think about that last moment, when Luke was pulled away from me, and my heart twists. “I won.”
Courtney leans forward, then cocks an eyebrow at Joe. “Excuse me? It sounded like she just said she won.”
Joe nods, confirming. “She did.” He looks at me and shakes his head. “She’s pulling our leg.”
“I’m serious!”
Courtney crosses her arms. “Fine! Don’t tell us!” She says with a pout. “Can you at least tell us what the big twist was? Did the winning couple have to get married?”
I shake my head, more confident now since I doubt they’ll believe anything I say. “We all had to get married. I married Luke Cross. The guy behind us in line?”
Her jaw drops. “The smoking-hot dirty guy? OH MY GOD!” Joe flashes her a hurt look, which she ignores. “So did you have to do challenges with him and stuff?”
I finger the place where the plastic ring was up until they ripped it off me. “I had to do just about everything with him.”
She’s fanning her face again. “I seriously can’t wait to watch this season with you. So was he hot? Sweet? Sexy? Did you . . . get cozy? Was he every bit a swoony as he looked? Please tell me he made you forget Gerald.”
Yes yes yes yes yes. A thousand yesses. The more he runs through my head, the more I just want to be with him again. The more horrible I feel. I can’t believe we have to wait until December 17 to even see each other. This is cruel and unusual and . . .
I’m crying again.
I swipe at my tears with the back of my hand, and suddenly I don’t want tea. I want my bed. Even though I’m sure that from now on my bed will be missing something if he isn’t in it with me. But I just don’t want to face this anymore. I want to go to sleep, hanging a sign on my head that says DO NOT WAKE UNTIL DECEMBER 17.
“I think I should just turn in,” I say, standing up. “I’m sorry.”
I can tell Courtney wants more gossip. Of course she does. This is the most exciting thing that’s happened in my boring life, and I’d ordinarily be able to speak volumes on it. But I can’t. Not now. Not when every single story I could tell her would be tinged with the memory of him.
So I go up to my small room, with my small bed, and crawl under the sheets. Without him. Without my husband.
Luke
It was great. I have no complaints.
—Luke’s Final Interview, Day 14
Eloise sits beside me in the limo, crossing her legs to give me a glimpse of her toned thighs.
But all I can do is look out the window as the girl of my dreams disappears in the distance. She’s watching the car leave, and she looks so damn sad, I already want to go back and hold her and take her with me.
Eloise snaps her fingers at me, and I realize she’s asked me a question.
“So, how does it feel to be the winner?”
I nod. “Good.”
She gives me a look like she expected a little more enthusiasm.
I add, “I’m just confused as to what happens next.”
She grins and reaches into a refrigerator, pulling out a couple of beers, one of which she hands to me. “The sky’s the limit for you, baby. I guarantee you, the footage we have of you is pure gold. What do you want? Endorsements? Modeling contracts? Want to try your hand at acting? Once the world gets a load of you, they’ll be all over you! And I can