Or at least fifteen.
‘It’s like something Q gives James Bond just before he goes on assignment. Apparently, besides being a phone, I can use it to do my email, as a sat nav thingy, as an organizer.’
‘If you want to be organized,’ I chip in.
‘I think the implication is that I ought to be. It has access to the internet, you can play games on it, or use it as a multi-media player or even a camera.’
‘Can it tap dance?’
‘Yes, and floss teeth,’ replies Fern with a grin. ‘Thoughtfully, Saadi has already bookmarked a number of websites that she thinks might be useful to me.’
‘Like?’
‘Like places I might want to visit in LA. There are so many places to choose from. Where do you want to start?’
‘I dunno, Fern. I’ve been everywhere.’
‘Well, I’ve been nowhere.’
‘OK, so you choose.’
‘Well, the Getty Center, Grauman’s Chinese Theatre and Santa Monica pier are on my list.’
‘Actually, I haven’t been to any of those places.’
‘But you’ve lived here for nine months. What have you been doing?’
‘Working and drinking. Not necessarily in that order.’
‘Great, we can do the tourist things together.’
‘Cool.’ We grin at each other. Isn’t it cool, this couple stuff?
‘Saadi has also bookmarked websites about weddings. You know, caterers, reception venues, dress designers, etc. Plus she’s made a list of the names and numbers of other people who I might find useful: a hairstylist, a clothes stylist and a personal trainer. Do you think she’s trying to tell me something?’ Fern looks vaguely concerned. I grin at her, reassuringly. Personally, I like her as she is, but I know that Saadi and her crew are already turning wheels and cogs in order to transform her into something, I don’t know, glossier, I suppose. Mark and Saadi said to me that glossy is what’s required and expected of my wife. I don’t think this is something she needs to hear me say.
‘She’s just trying to be helpful. Justifying her obscene salary,’ I say instead.
‘She’s arranged interviews for us to meet her favourite three wedding planners for tomorrow morning – a Saturday. I suppose there’s no time to lose but how did she get anyone to agree to a Saturday meeting at such short notice?’
‘Money talks.’
‘I suppose, and as you say, she thinks of everything.’ Fern looks anxious, vexed almost. ‘She told me she’s going to pick up a dildo for me from some sex shop on Sunset Boulevard.’
‘Hustler.’
‘Yeah, that’s it. She says you have an account there.’
‘Guilty as charged. It’s a great store, we should go shopping together.’
‘OK.’ Fern doesn’t look too convinced but she’ll look great in one of their baby dolls or maybe titty tassels. Is she vexed because I’ve visited sex shops? I’m a rock star, it’s like a teenage girl visiting the makeup counter at Boots: essential shopping. I didn’t have Fern down as a prude.
‘Saadi said I’m going to need a dildo in light of our chastity vow. I hadn’t realized you’d discussed our plan with her.’
Ah. So that’s the cause of the vexation. I get it. ‘I tell her everything,’ I say smoothly, wide-eyed, innocent. It’s true, I do tell Saadi everything; except all that which I keep secret. ‘You don’t mind, do you? Wasn’t I supposed to?’ I ask, showing concern. ‘She thought it was really romantic,’ I add with a smile.
I sense Fern does mind, because if there’s one thing I know about women, it’s that they are really funny about what you tell other women. I need to rush the conversation on to another subject, because it’s too nice for a row or even a low-grade sulk and while I haven’t seen Fern do either of these things yet, I know it’s only a matter of time. Of course she has it in her to be irrationally narky; she’s a woman.
I look at her hipbone and feel a twitch in my swim shorts. This no sex thing is a mind-blowing experiment. It was Mark’s idea. Fern was his idea too, as a point of fact. I’ve had lots of sex and I mean lots – an amount that no normal person can even perceive (not even desperate little slappers who live in ugly small towns, who – in order to ease the tedium of their existence – drop their knickers as often as they drop cigarette stubs and usually at the same time). More sex than that. I mean lots, and lots, and lots, and lots of tits and ass and legs and holes, well, the