out on the surf. And he asks me about my tattoos and whether I think he should get one. Is he too old at thirty-three, he asks. I know for a fact that he’s thirty-five but I don’t call him on it.
Then Ben starts to talk about Wedding Album. He’s been to the studio once or twice now and he thinks the album is amazing; I never tire of hearing him (or anyone, for that matter) say so.
‘I take in the words and it’s like taking air into my lungs, their meaning swills about, nurturing my every organ, giving life to my body,’ he says with a big, giddy grin.
‘Wow,’ I smirk back. ‘You are so gay,’ I tease.
‘That is a point of fact. But you know what I mean, don’t you?’ He looks earnest and clearly wants me to get the intensity of his deep approval of my latest album. I’ve seen that solemn, desperate longing for a connection before. Often. I smile indulgently as he continues. ‘And then I breathe out and the meaning returns to where it came from, everywhere around me. These new songs chronicle the ultimate experience of life. This album is going to be huge. It’s like this album is saying Scottie Taylor has all the answers.’
‘Which is somewhat ironic, don’t you think? I know nothing.’ I say the last sentence in a jokey quasi-Mafia voice to dispel the intensity of the confession.
‘Oh, I don’t know, you’re not so ignorant,’ says Ben. ‘I think you’ve got this living stuff sussed more than the rest of us. More than you know.’
‘What’s the point of being sussed beyond your own understanding?’ I challenge. ‘That doesn’t make sense.’
It is great being sober; you can at least spot it when someone starts talking bollocks. The problem I used to have when I got drunk so often was that I started to confuse being insensible with being invincible. Maybe that’s what I liked about it at first. At least now I’m clear that I’m not invincible; even if knowing this makes me sad.
Ben sits up in the hammock. To do this well, a certain amount of grace and skill is required. Few have this but he does. The hammock sways gently as he leans back on his elbows.
‘Look around you, Scott. You’ve said yourself that no one stumbles upon success, you have to earn it, and from where I’m sitting, it appears you are up to your neck in success. You must have some of the answers.’
His confidence is touching. He reminds me of Fern, enthusiastic and optimistic – I can see why they are such good mates.
‘Should I tell you something I’ve worked out?’ I ask him. ‘It’s a secret.’
Ben looks excited. I think he’s expecting me to tell him how to achieve eternal life. I lean closer to him and whisper in his ear.
‘The truth is success doesn’t exist. At least, not for me. Anticipation of success is the best thing there is. It’s not finite, you see. It’s not complete or done with.’ Ben looks disappointed. He draws away from me sharply, as though I’ve just infected him with more than bad news. I go on. ‘Success never is actually. Which should be an exciting thing but turns out to be hugely frustrating. Whereas failure, failure is blocking and choking and everywhere, so that’s no good either.’
We stay silent for some moments. Ben pours himself another glass of champagne. It’s his fourth or fifth this evening, I think. He swallows it down in two gulps.
‘Can I ask you something?’ he says.
‘Ask away.’
‘Why are you marrying Fern?’
I thought it’d be that. ‘She’s lovely,’ I say plainly.
‘True, but you’ve met a lot of lovely women. Why her? I only ask because she’s my friend and as you said yourself, she’s lovely. I don’t want to see her –’
‘Hurt.’
‘I was going to say crucified. I’m expecting a fatal wounding.’
I don’t even pause. ‘I’m marrying her to capture the US market and because when I’m not doing drugs nothing amazing happens and I’m bored.’
The truth sits between us like a massive shard of glass; dangerous, brittle, beautiful.
‘I see,’ says Ben with a deep sigh.
This is an interesting moment. I like to fill my life with as many interesting moments as I can and this is definitely one. It’s dangerous and it’s faulty but it’s also honest.
‘Both those things ought to reassure you,’ I point out. ‘If I am to capture the US market I will have to be faithful and