I rue the moment I seeded the sickness that eventually killed the one thing that means more to me than anything I’ve ever had. I can still hear Travis’s words in my head. Look, I’m so sorry but we just can’t keep doing this. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t see any other way . . .
It’s hours later and the phone rings. I’ve already dodged several calls from Joey and Cole. They leave messages asking what the hell is going on, because obviously Travis has called them. I don’t answer this time, either. Even when I hear Travis over the answering machine, his voice tired and he’s telling me again that he’s sorry. He’s really sorry. Please pick up we need to talk but fuck him, he’s said he’s sorry already, I know he’s sorry. Sorry doesn’t matter because he’s already broken me. He’s walked away from being a part of the most important thing I have, and now God damn it if I’m not ten again, watching my father walk out and fuck that.
I did not get into a band so I could feel like this again.
The phone rings again. The answering machine picks up and whoever is on the other end hangs up.
Never again, I vow. I say it out loud.
“Never again.”
Chapter Seventeen
I lose count of the days because I sleep through most of them, staying up all night reading. I start with Woman on the Edge of Time, which I devour in a single day, and then move on to The Complete Love and Rockets, starting at Book One, Music for Mechanics, and not coming up for air until I finish the last line of Poison River. God, I love that series like saved people love Jesus. I would totally have a three-way with Maggie and Hopey if they were real, so I guess maybe I am bi after all, but that’s a whole other story. When I finish, I decide to further avoid humanity and spend some time with hobbits and elves and dwarves, diving into Lord of the Rings for a complete reread. I finish that in a week but I’m not ready to leave Middle Earth, so I take on The Silmarillion, and if you don’t know what that is, congratulations. You probably have an admirably wide range of interests and are capable of carrying on conversations in public with other perfectly normal humans.
It’s late afternoon and I’m still in my pajamas, deep in concentration as I study the map of Beleriand in the back of The Silmarillion. I’m tracing the path of Lúthien and Beren to Tol Galen, the Land of the Dead that Live, when I hear Jeff yell from downstairs, “Emmylou! You’ve got company!”
“I’m busy,” I call down to him.
“The hell you are,” I can hear Joey mutter as he climbs the stairs. I go to close the door because I love Joey, but I know he’s here to give me shit for barricading myself in my room with a stack of books instead of interacting with living, breathing humans. I put my hands to my mouth, about to make some rude noises so I can feign a terribly contagious gastrointestinal virus, but when I reach the door there’s a familiar scent—a really good one.
“You brought me Mom’s tomato sauce?” I say as Joey reaches my door.
“We did better than that,” he answers. “So come and see.”
Cole waves from the bottom of the stairs. I’m confused until I see my mother’s worried face as she steps out from behind him and I could kill them both for bringing my mother here. They’re so damn lucky I won’t strangle them in front of her.
“Joseph,” I say in a low voice.
“Desperate times, desperate measures,” he says. “You know the drill.”
He wraps his arms around me, maybe to keep me from strangling him, but when he squeezes me I feel like I might crack. I close my eyes and try to wish this whole situation away because if my mother has made the trip to Highland Park, you know something is wrong.
“But I’m fine,” I mumble into his T-shirt, probably straight to his nipple as he’s a lumberjack and he’s hugging me really tight. I wrench my neck so I can call downstairs, “Mom, I’m fine. You didn’t have to come all the way out here.”
“Bullshit,” she says. “Jeff and Sonia say you haven’t left the house in over two weeks.”
“I’ve been busy.”
“Now that’s real bullshit,” Joey says. “You also look like