Cole looked across the table in our direction when the subject of couples in bands came up tonight.
“Tell him what about us?”
“Did you tell him we hooked up?”
“No,” he says. “Why? Did he say something?”
“No,” I say. “But I think he suspects something.”
“I should talk to him anyway,” Travis says. “It’s probably time we let the brothers know.”
“No,” I say. “Because we can’t do this. Joey will quit.”
Travis flinches like I just hit him. Maybe he didn’t know what I was thinking. Maybe I didn’t even know I was thinking that, but now I am thinking it, and I’m saying it, too.
“No he won’t,” Travis finally says. “He’s just saying that. It’s hypothetical.”
I let out a big, heavy sigh.
“They’re right, you know,” I say. “Couples in bands are an inevitable disaster. Imagine what Julia and Matt are going through right now. They’ve been trying to break that band for five years.”
“Well, we’re not them,” he says. “Matt’s a fucking dick, for starters.”
I feel sick. My stomach has worked its way into my throat. My heart is racing like I’m staring down a demon from hell and it wants to eat my soul for a snack. My mind reels and races through all my worst fears. Very large spiders, abandoned houses, extreme heights. Running out of gas on the Turnpike at five a.m. Something happening to Mom. And scariest of all, Travis quitting Stars on the Floor.
“Travis, look,” I say. “I know we have feelings for each other, but that’s just because we spend so much time together. We really have to be levelheaded about this, think it through.”
“Levelheaded?” he says. “Is that what you think you’re being right now?”
“Yes,” I insist. “We can’t just throw everything away because we’ve got this adolescent love fantasy going on here.”
And now he looks like I just punched him in the chest. And I feel like I just punched him in the chest.
“Emmy,” he says, staring straight ahead out the windshield. He will not look at me, but I can see how tight he grips the wheel. I can see the twitch in his jaw as he tries not to react. “It’s late and it’s been a long night. Why don’t you go inside and go to bed now, okay?”
“I’m serious, Travis,” I say. “This is a bad idea.”
“I heard you,” he says. “Adolescent love fantasy. Got it.”
“Come on, don’t be like that,” I say. “You know what I’m saying.”
He gives me this pained look, and I know he’s going to be even more pissed off at me for saying what I’m about to say, but I can’t stop myself from saying it. Because I believe it, and that’s the problem.
“I think you should go out with Millie,” I say, and Travis just laughs outright. “She’s really into you, she talks about you all the time. You guys have a lot in common, and I’m sure if you spend some time with her, you’ll get over all of this. And if you’re with her, I’ll get over you. Eventually. And then everything can go back to the way it was.”
He’s not laughing now.
“It’s not like I’ll be happy about it,” I say, and I try to take his hand into mine, but he pulls it away.
“And why would we want to be, you know, happy?” he says. “When we could be miserable and perpetually frustrated instead?”
“But still in a band together,” I say. “That’s the important thing.”
“That’s the important thing?” he says. “Go inside and go to bed, Emmy. Your mouth is talking without your brain’s consent.”
“Travis . . .”
“No,” he says. “Don’t say another word to me right now. I’m still trying to forget the last five minutes and everything you’ve said during it.”
“Are you going to quit the band?”
He’s right, my mouth is talking without me now. It’s being chased all the way to hell and back by that demon sitting on my shoulder. Travis looks like he can see it perched there, making faces.
“What the hell?” he says.
“Are you thinking about it?” I ask. “I need to know.”
“Is that seriously all you fucking care about right now?”
“I don’t want you to leave,” I say. I feel like I’m about to fucking crack wide open and spill my guts out all over Cole’s captain’s seat. I know I’m fucking this all up, but I honestly can’t stop myself because I have no idea what else to do.
“Then stop talking,” he says. “Before you say something you can’t take back.”
For a change, I