I want, right here. I know it’s so special, it’s too much to ask, but I’m going to ask the universe anyway.
Please, universe. Please, please let me hold on to him.
He catches me watching him as I sing, as he plays, and finally, fucking finally he gives me that crooked happy smile of his that breaks my heart into a zillion happy pieces.
We stay up until three a.m. working on “Loud.” We end up recording it on my four-track in the living room after Jeff and Sonia and Adam all bitch about going to sleep. After we finish, he comes upstairs to get his jacket and I see how dead tired he is.
“Do you want to stay?” I say, and I know it’s a reach but I really can’t stand to watch him walk out that door tonight.
“I’ll be fine,” he says. “I’m only going a few blocks.”
It’s folly, it’s a real risk is what it is, but I take it. I put my arms around his neck, rest my head on his shoulder.
“Please stay,” I whisper.
“Emmy,” he says, all stiff and awkward. I squeeze him harder until he puts his arms around me and exhales. “I don’t know.”
“You don’t want to?” I ask.
“It’s not that,” he says. “You know it’s not that.”
I look into his eyes and he looks worried and like he’s weighing this decision very carefully. I want to tip the scale in my direction, so I pull him to the bed. I climb onto it and he stands there, looking lost in a way I’ve never seen him look.
“I’m not . . . I don’t want to do anything,” I say. “I just don’t want you to leave.”
Travis climbs onto the bed next to me and we lie on our sides, facing each other. We just look at each other, not saying anything at all. I don’t know what to say now. I don’t know what to do with him there. I still don’t know how to be with him and not be with him all at the same time. All I know is that I never want to stop being around him.
He is so sleepy. He’s trying to keep his eyes open and he can’t. He takes my hand, holds it. He’s running his thumb along the back of it and then I fall asleep feeling not weirdness, not awkwardness, but full-on agony.
***
I wake up in the dark, kissing Travis.
We’re on top of my bed. He runs his tongue along my bottom lip and then bites it gently. I open my mouth for him and he barely puts his tongue inside, knowing it’s wide open and that I want him. He teases me with his tongue, touching my lips and teeth and the tip of my tongue, and it makes me grab the back of his head. I want him to fill my mouth with his tongue because now I’m awake and he’s right here and I need some part of him inside of me. He runs his hand up my back, the other is on the back of my neck, his fingers are in my hair.
I honestly have no idea who started this midnight kissing episode. All I know is that we both wake up in the center of this intense need, like the need itself has its own will and we’re just doing its bidding. I push my tongue into his mouth and he rolls on top of me, pushes my knees apart and holy fuck, I need to get out of these pants.
“Now.” I say it with heaving breath. “Please, now.”
He pulls his T-shirt off over his head. Within seconds we’re both stripped all the way down to nothing but our mating chemicals and now I know exactly how high school girls get pregnant. Travis is naked, kissing me hard as he pushes his tongue into my mouth. He slides his hand down between my legs and I’m already so wet I’m not sure how we aren’t fucking by now.
I have no idea what these low, husky, wordless sounds are that I’m making as I try to process the sensation of his hands, his lips and tongue and teeth working their way down my body, but they seem to encourage him, so I’m happy. He licks my skin. He sucks on me everywhere. He tongues my nipple and gives it a soft bite as he slides two fingers inside of me, and the sensation is making me want—no, need to get fucked