splits, I can’t even look Millie in the eye. I have no idea how I’m here bowling with her and keeping this all inside. I’m trying to act normal and it’s all good, and then I remember what I was doing a few hours ago, who with, and the irrefutable proof on my ass that something is definitely going on between me and Travis. Whenever I remember that I’ve got his name written across my ass, I break apart inside. I really do. I try to tamp down the anxious feeling of wanting to be with him right this very minute and the worse feeling of knowing I won’t see him later and that he’s working all day tomorrow, so at best I’ll see him around dinner tomorrow night, and then his mom comes, and oh shit. Oh shit. It’s the feeling of waiting for someone, anyone, to bring up his name so I have an excuse to talk about him, and worrying that someone will bring up his name and I’ll have to act like it’s all normal and I don’t know if I can. And then when Millie does bring him up, I still talk about him like he’s all mine.
“Bean is home working on a paper,” I say.
“I thought he was going to finish that up today so he could come out tonight.” She pouts adorably. “What a stinker.”
“Yeah,” I say, feeling the irritable bowel syndrome I don’t actually have beginning to flare.
“Let’s call him and give him hell,” she suggests, pointing over at the pay phone by the front door. “For going back on his word.”
“Um.”
“Emmy, come with me to the girls’ room.” Sonia tries to rescue me. “I need to doll up if I have any chance of making out with Cole tonight.”
“You’re trying to hook up with Cole?” I ask her, temporarily distracted, completely unsure if I even approve of this. Luckily, Cole is too busy bowling an actual decent game to pay any attention to us. Cole is like my brother and Sonia is my best friend and housemate. If they hook up and it doesn’t pan out and it gets awkward, well? Then what? Just call me Love’s Executioner, I guess. Sonia tilts her head in the direction of the bathroom, smiles at my stupidity, and tugs me by the arm.
“I’ll come with,” Millie says. “I need to put on lip gloss before I call Travis. It makes me talk sexy.”
Oh, fuck.
When Millie goes with me and Sonia to the bathroom, she asks specifically if Travis said anything to me about her, and I lie and say no because I can’t exactly tell her the truth, can I? First of all, I’m an asshole but not that much of an asshole. I don’t want to hurt her feelings. Second of all, I have known that she’s been into Travis for a while, and then I jumped all over his dick like I owned it, despite basically telling her there was nothing going on between us. And that’s shitty of me, I understand, but all I can say in my defense is that I suck. And that I’m really confused right now with intensely wanting Travis when part of me still believes it’s a big mistake that’s going to lead to disaster.
“What do you think the deal is with him?” Millie asks me. “Is he into someone else?”
“Not that I know of,” I say and try not to cringe too obviously as I see Sonia’s jaw drop right behind Millie’s back. I’m not artful at bullshit, I’m really not, but here I am trying to bullshit my way through the awkward with one of my good friends. Fuck, how did I end up in this situation again? Why?
Oh, right. That adorable, blond, mastodon-dick-swinging sex champion in my band.
Luckily (oh my God), our conversation in the ladies’ room is interrupted when Julia comes staggering in, sobbing. Sobbing like somebody just died. No matter how drunk I’ve seen Julia, not once have I seen the girl shed tears. So something really awful must be going down.
Julia lights a cigarette and asks one of us to go out and buy her two shots of anything and bring them to her posthaste. Sonia volunteers while Millie and I receive the awful news that Julia has just found out Matt has been fucking Hanna Octane behind her back for about six months. Tonight, just five minutes ago, in fact, Hanna decides she can’t handle the guilt anymore and