career he’d been working for most of his life, but he wasn’t finished.
“It’s funny, but I didn’t realize until today why I was so pissed off that day in the clubhouse. I’ve had years of trying to school my reactions. I’ve bitten my tongue so many times when the guys get going in the clubhouse that I’m surprised the tip hasn’t fallen off. But seeing those pictures of us with stupid little doodles around our faces…something inside of me snapped,” he explained, lacing our fingers together, rubbing his thumb over the side of mine.
“Deep down, I was pissed off at myself. I’d been so damn worried about what everyone would think if they found out I was gay that I didn’t pull you aside the morning after the auction and see if you would be interested in talking more, getting to know one another. And seeing pictures of us from that night felt like a huge slap in the face. They reminded me that I’d given up a piece of my life I really wanted because of a job that won’t last much longer.”
“But you didn’t even know me,” I argued. Yes, I felt this crazy ass connection to PJ, but hearing him say he felt the same, hearing him say he was pissed off for not taking a chance with me, seemed like a lot of pressure given the way he reacted.
“You’re right,” he agreed, turning his face to kiss a spot right above my heart. These moments of tenderness were going to be what crushed me if he was getting ready to say we had to stop seeing one another. “And don’t think I haven’t told myself how crazy I am for the way I feel about you. My dad and I have actually talked about it, and he swears I’m not nuts.”
“Well that’s reassuring.” I wasn’t sure what to think about the fact that he’d talked to his dad about our relationship. “So what was the other part?”
“I couldn’t stand that they were trying to make a joke of there being pictures of the two of us together,” he admitted. “For all I knew, memories and pictures were all I would ever have of the night I realized how badly I wanted to be true to myself, and those assholes were joking about it. They thought it was funny that some random gay guy bid on me in a bachelor auction. No way could their buddy, their teammate, be gay. After all, if I was gay, I’d have to prance around the clubhouse and take time to do my makeup and hair before the game.”
“I still hate that you had to sit back and listen to that type of shit,” I interrupted.
That was the one part of his life I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to get used to. He was so quick to say what was on his mind most of the time, but I wondered if he’d ever feel like he could be himself at work. I couldn’t believe he’d knowingly put himself back in that position.
“I know you do.” He kissed me again, started twirling his fingers through the mat of hair on my chest. “And you have no clue how much it means to me that you get so upset on my behalf. But hopefully, those days are over.”
“Yeah?” I asked, guardedly optimistic.
“Yeah, Brian and I had a good talk today. He admitted that he’s allowed himself to lose touch with what’s going on with the team and players,” he explained, shifting so his leg was nestled between mine. Our flaccid dicks rested against each other. If he kept fidgeting, our bodies would quickly derail what was turning into a good talk. “He wants me to come back.”
“And you’re going to.” I tried to hide my bitterness about his decision. I needed to remind myself that this was his life and his choice. I’d told him I’d support him in whatever he decided to do, so now I had to make good on that promise.
“Yeah, I am,” he said quietly, almost as though he wasn’t sure he’d made the right decision. “And I want you to come with me. I know that eventually you’re going to have to go back to your own life, but I’m not ready for that yet. I still have four weeks of spring training. I’m going to have to spend extra time in the training room to get in shape and I’ll have to bust my ass