shit,” I muttered.
“What? What’s wrong?”
“Tomorrow,” I groaned. “Tomorrow is my dad’s banquet.”
She closed her eyes. “I get it now. Oh shit is right.”
“What am I going to do?” I groaned. “I can’t ditch my dad. He would never forgive me, even if he didn’t technically invite me.”
“No, you can’t,” she agreed. “You could offer to fly up to Oregon on Sunday. Nothing is going to happen before then anyway. My experience with the military is they move a little faster than a snail. They won’t be able to have a funeral for at least a week.”
I put a hand over my eyes. “I just can’t believe it. Dead. It’s so awful. Xander was just telling me he called him and never got a call back. I don’t know why I’m feeling so sad. He wasn’t my brother. I think I’m feeling Xander’s pain for him.”
“I’m sure you are,” she said. “You are definitely an empath. It’s what I love about you.”
“I’m going home. I’m going to try and call Xander and see if he has changed his mind.”
She gave me another hug. “I’m so sorry. Please tell Xander I’m sorry for his loss. It’s a tragedy. You take care of him.”
“I will if he will let me.”
“He will. Just don’t give up on him. You told me he was a hard man. Men aren’t big on the feelings as it is. Make him a casserole and you will have an excuse to go over and see him.”
I grinned. “Good plan. Thank you for talking to me. I’m definitely not a man. I do not internalize anything.”
“Take care of yourself,” she ordered. “I will call and check on you later.”
I left, feeling a little better after crying it out. Xander needed to do the same. A little cry now and again made everyone feel better. I drove home and immediately called Xander. He didn’t pick up. I was feeling very guilty for leaving him alone. On a boat. I winced. That was really not a good idea. I considered going back over there. I would refuse to leave until I got him home and tucked into bed.
That would never work. Xander did what Xander wanted. I picked up my phone to try texting him, hoping he would at least tell me he was okay. I waited with the phone in my hand, staring at the screen. He didn’t text back.
“Shit,” I mumbled. “Xander, please talk to me.”
My phone chirped, alerting me to a text message. I snatched it, hoping it was Xander. It was my dad. It was my official invitation to the banquet. I smirked, shaking my head at the timing. Now my dad was talking to me and Xander wasn’t.
I quickly texted my dad back and let him know I would be there. I had heard people tell me they were torn. I now had a very real understanding of that feeling. I wanted to be with Xander. I wanted to absorb his pain. I also really needed to be there for my father. It was a once in a lifetime award. One he would never get again. Of course, Xander would never lose his brother again.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” I shouted at the ceiling.
The timing couldn’t have been worse. I knew that was completely selfish, but it made me want to scream. Instead, I opened my laptop and began to search for flights. Then I realized Oregon was kind of a big place. I had no idea where in Oregon his father lived.
I texted him again, praying he would give me some sign of life.
Chapter 45
Xander
I had yet to sleep. I was afraid to sleep. Every time I stopped moving, I thought about Kade. I had spent some time on the boat and came home sometime around two. Then it was on the treadmill and then for a swim. I didn’t want to stop. Stopping meant thinking. The rational side of me knew I had to think at some point.
My legs felt heavy, a sign my adrenaline was wearing off. Any moment, the crash was going to hit. I had gone through something similar when I lost my mom. Her death was expected. I was prepared for it. It sucked and it hurt but it wasn’t nearly as bad as what I knew waited for me. Kade’s death was going to hit hard. It already did, but instead of letting myself feel that pain, I pushed it away.
I could feel it creeping in now. I climbed the stairs, one