my mind. Numbness, like I was looking down at myself from above. The emotions going away, because I couldn’t afford to have them. Too long a night. Too much death, and now this. No resting place where I could pull myself back together again.
I was halfway down the track to the garden, beside the kowhai, when I heard my name. I stopped and waited, and Honor came up behind me.
I didn’t want to talk. I had to be polite, though. She was Gray’s mum, and we were in Gray’s house.
She said, “She doesn’t mean to be hurtful.”
I said, “It’s fine,” and kept walking.
“It’s not fine,” she said. “You feel like she’s rejecting you, and it hurts. Saying it’s fine doesn’t make it hurt less.”
I said, “I can’t. Not now. Tired. Long night.”
“Rubbish,” she said.
That made me stop in my tracks. “Pardon?” I asked. “I’m not allowed to be tired?”
“Of course you’re allowed to be tired,” she said. “But you’re not tired. You’re hurt and confused by how ungrateful she seems, maybe overwhelmed as well by all this change in your life, and trying to push it all away so you won’t be hurt anymore. Same way Frankie’s doing, come to that.”
“If you know,” I said, “then tell me what’s going on. Tell me, because I don’t understand. I’ve tried …” I waved an arm, a little wildly. My emotions didn’t overwhelm me. It didn’t happen. I didn’t let it. But it was happening now. My throat was closing up, and my chest had started to ache. “I’ve tried …” I said again, my voice shaking. “To make them feel … better. To help them. Nobody helped me. Or they did, but … nobody who understood. Nobody who knew. And it was all on me. Dorian was scared, and half-reluctant anyway. He left for me, so that meant I had to do it all, don’t you see? So I cleaned, when it was all I had to offer, the only way I knew to make enough money to live. So what? How is that a bad thing?”
“It’s not,” Honor said. “Of course it’s not. It’s a strong thing. It’s you doing everything you could, standing up alone, because there was nobody to help you stand up. Nobody to help you walk. Maybe Frankie’s afraid she doesn’t have that strength. Maybe she even resents you for having it.”
“But why?” I said. “All I’ve done is try to help. When Uncle Aaron texted me, I drove there that night. I was in the river, and I almost died, but I got out so I could help them! I was so scared, and I’d lost my car, but I … I… and the fence, and my dad, and Gilead, and … and I did it anyway! I did, and she doesn’t … she doesn’t even see. She doesn’t even care.”
Somehow, Honor had her arms around me. “Shh,” she said, when I struggled to get away, to run and hide, the way I always did when it got too much. The way I didn’t want anybody to see. “Shh, now,” Honor said again. “You did. You were brave. You fought so hard. You did it all, and it’s been so hard since. Here you are, forced out of your flat, lost your car, your evil ex coming after all of you, making you go through all of it again, remember everything again. Everything he did to Frankie, and everything he did to you. It’s all got out of control, when you thought you were only doing a good thing. When you thought the hard part was over, and instead, it’s just beginning.”
I jerked my head against her shoulder in a nod, because like Gray, she was so much taller than me. I tried to say something, but I couldn’t. I was shaking instead.
“Yeh,” Honor said, and held me tighter, rocking back and forth. “It hurts. Go on and let it hurt. Go on and cry.”
I didn’t, or not much. All right, I did some. I couldn’t help it. I managed to say, though, “At least I’m not … crying on … Gray again.”
“Nah,” Honor said, her hand stroking over my back. “You can cry on him, too. That’s what he’s there for. You’ll be helping him if you let him help you. It’s all he wants to do.”
I knew that wasn’t true. Who wanted a needy woman? I didn’t have the strength to argue, though. I was too busy not crying.
Finally, I pulled away. Honor