street and over to a car that’s running but empty. The owner is probably one of the men lying in that house and I find that to be a strange thought.
Shepherd gets into the front seat as I put Bear in the back and get into the passenger seat. He begins to drive without a word. I open my mouth to say something to him, but I find that I don’t know what to say.
Do I say, “Thank you?” Thank you for risking your life for me? Thank you for having to kill more people?
Do I ask if he’s all right? Do I ask where we’re going? Do I ask what we’re going to do now? Or do I ask what I really want to know?
How do you feel after killing?
Do you enjoy it like the others?
Indecision makes the minutes turn to an hour as Shepherd drives and Bear sits with his head hanging over my shoulder, panting.
“Are you afraid of me?” Shepherd asks, shattering the silence.
The question startles me because it’s so different from everything going on in my head right now. “Of course not. Why would I be afraid of you?”
His grip tightens as his face shows a look I’m unused to seeing on his face. He’s usually so happy now that he’s let his guard down. “I’m not used to dealing with people who don’t live this life. Are you lying? I’m exactly what that woman said. A monster.”
“A monster?” I ask as I think about the word. A monster… what does that bring to mind? Little creatures who live under the bed? Or cold calculating eyes and a smile that sends chills down your spine? “Do you enjoy it?”
He looks over at me for the first time since the shooting began and the look on his face is all I need to know the answer. “Of course not! I just… I do it. I’ve been… forced to do it again and again to the point where… I can without thought. If you hadn’t stopped me… I would have killed Danielle too because in my fucked-up brain she was an enemy. She was on the other side and she needed to die.”
Then it’s a good thing I was there. “You don’t… you don’t have the eyes of a killer, Shepherd.”
He looks over at me in disbelief. “The eyes? What fucking nonsense are you spouting? I just killed a bunch of people.”
“It’s different.” I don’t know how or why but it is. It’s so much different.
“How the hell do you figure that?” he asks.
I lean against the seat as I look out the window. “Shepherd… just trust me. Now where are we going?”
“Probably to hell, if I’m being honest.”
I smile at him. “Alright. Before we reach hell?”
“I’m just… going to drive until I can’t drive anymore.”
Silence fills the car again, but this time, it doesn’t last as long before he reaches over and sets his hand on my leg, fingers reaching for me.
“Thank you… for keeping me from killing her,” he says.
I set my hand in his and squeeze it. “Thank you for saving my life again and again and again.”
“I think it’s worth it. At least I hope it is,” he teases.
My thoughts start to turn dark and ugly. “Sometimes… I’m not so sure… but thank you.”
“Thank you for giving me someone to save for once.”
As he speeds down the highway, I hold his hand tightly, wondering if I deserve this kindness.
My hand slips in the blood and I fall forward but keep myself from falling into it.
“No, no, no. I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry,” I whisper as I crawl over to her.
“Oh my god…” a voice behind me says and I quickly turn to look back at my father who is standing in the doorway. “Oh my god… Killian…”
I shake my head as I look at the blood on my shirt and arms. My hands are nearly red with it. “Father…”
“You killed her.”
I shake my head, desperate to break away from his words because they can’t be true. No, they can’t be. “No… no, no. I didn’t. I didn’t mean to. Father, please.”
“This is your fault! How could you have done this?”
“We need to help her,” I say as I grab onto her. “Father. Please. We need to help her.”
“Killian, she’s dead! You killed her!”
I shake my head. “No, Father. Stop. I didn’t kill her. I didn’t…”
I look down at the gun by my side, the blood coating me. “Father. Stop looking at me like