the hallway, Bear tilts his head and looks at a closed door. I hesitate as I listen, but I don’t hear anything. Shepherd seems to be wary but he’s trusting her enough to go to her for help, so I’m sure she’s fine.
I hurry after Shepherd as they walk through an open door. She goes to shut the door but Shepherd waves her off. “Leave it open.”
She nods and walks over to a computer before sitting down. She glances over at me. “How tall are you?”
“Five-ten.”
She nods and turns back to the computer. “Weight can fluctuate and hair can change colors, but height and eyes need to stay pretty close,” she explains as she starts working on it.
“Shepherd, do you want to look at the guns while I do this?”
“No, I’d prefer to keep an eye on you, if you don’t mind.”
“You don’t trust me?” she asks, and when she looks at him, it seems like it bothers her.
“Depends on the day,” he says.
I just awkwardly stand there, not helping, but pretending like I’m extremely important holding on to the dog as she works.
Age Nineteen
Rose snuggles up next to me, arms wrapped around me, head on my chest. “I can’t believe you snuck me in.”
“I’m nineteen, you know? It’s not… really sneaking anymore,” I say. “And… you’re the one who snuck in without permission.”
She laughs. “I know, I was being sarcastic seeing as I had to force my way in. We could… do a little something fun?” she says as her finger trails up my leg.
“Rose, I told you last time that I liked being friends. I don’t want to lead you down a path where you think there’s something when there’s not. I don’t want to ruin that between us.”
She squeezes me tighter. “I know, I know. But friends can have sex. You can’t tell me you haven’t thought about sex with me so close to you. Your parents are far away, they’d never hear you.”
“You make it sound like a horror movie. ‘They’d never hear you scream!’” I know turning everything into a joke is doing nothing to help the situation, but I’m not sure what else to do.
“No, you’re making it sound like that because you want to do everything to avoid sex with me.”
Pretty much. “Yeah, I’d literally rather be in a horror movie,” I joke.
She starts laughing. “Why won’t you just tell me you’re gay? I’ve literally given you five million opportunities to. Remember the other day when we were walking down the street and those two women were holding hands, and I was like ‘Aw, look how cute those two are!’ Remember?”
“No,” I lie. I even thought about it at that moment, but I still couldn’t get myself to commit.
“Dammit, Killian, you are the most stubborn human I’ve ever met in my life.”
“Thank you.”
She reaches over and grabs my shirt before tightening her grip enough that she can shake me. “That. Wasn’t. A. Compliment!”
“I took it as one.”
“Say, ‘Rose, you have the most beautiful breasts I’ve ever seen, but sorry, I don’t like boobs.’”
“No!”
“Killian, live a little!”
“I would but I don’t want to lie to you!”
“About being gay?”
“No, the other thing.”
She gives me a look of mock surprise. “About my breasts being the best? How dare you!” she says as she starts shaking me again. She eventually lets go and grabs my light above my bed. It swivels, so she shines it right into my face like I’m suddenly in the spotlight.
“You’re blinding me!” I cry.
“Is this why you want to leave? Did your dad treat you like shit when he found out?” she asks.
“He doesn’t know.”
“Are you afraid of what he’ll do?” she asks, and with the way she says it, I know I should tell her at least a bit of the truth. I feel like she’d understand.
But I can’t. “Yes,” I say. But not about this. Other things. So many other things.
“Fine, fine. I’ll let you live in your crazy world a little longer, but I think you need to stand up for yourself and just be happy with who you are.”
“I think you need to not strangle me anymore,” I say as I push her hands off my shirt.
As I lie back down, I notice that Rose doesn’t push away from me. She still clings onto me as I realize that I just came out to someone I cared about for the first time. And she doesn’t mind at all. Although… I’m not sure it would be considered coming out