related to Bella’s angst more than Katniss’s trauma.
But when people say you’ve got to love yourself first, they never explain how, exactly, you get past people screaming ‘gross bitch’, how you get past feeling like your best days are only your best days because you’re managing to hide the bad bits, how you feel desirable if no one has ever desired you.
It’s something I haven’t managed to figure out on my own, and Alex makes me feel like I’m a little bit closer.
Also, he has great hair.
‘Look, I’m sorry. I suck,’ Zach says.
‘I accept your apology,’ I say. I stopped being mad at him at least fifteen minutes ago.
‘I think I was jealous, in a weird way,’ Zach says. ‘You’re supposed to be my friend, not his, and all that.’
‘Well, I’m sorry too. For not caring enough about your feelings.’
‘Arguing with you is one of my favourite things, but fighting with you is one of the very worst,’ he says.
‘Let’s argue forever and never fight again,’ I say, and we smile at each other. He turns back to look at the ceiling.
We lie there and listen to Lucy snoring.
‘You should tell Alex,’ Zach says, after a while.
‘Tell him what?’
‘Whatever it is you are feeling. Whatever it is you want from him.’
‘I don’t know what I feel or what I want.’
‘Yes, you do.’
‘No, I don’t.’
‘Natalie, you know exactly what you want, all the time, but you hide it under all these layers of bullshit, and you make it impossible for anyone else to figure out.’
‘No, I don’t.’
‘You’re doing it right now.’
‘No, I’m not.’ Okay, yes, I am, but he’s making something very complicated sound very simple, and I resent that.
‘Just go to Alex and be honest with him.’
‘I’ll try.’
‘Don’t try, just do.’
‘Okay, I’ll do.’
‘Also,’ Zach says.
‘What?’
‘Also, I just wanted to say that I’m scared about leaving, I’m really scared.’
‘Don’t be scared. You’re going to do so great, wherever you are. You have a very likeable face.’
‘That’s what you’ve always said.’
‘It’s true. Plus, you’ll have us, no matter what.’
‘I know.’
I close my eyes and start drifting into sleep. In this moment, I can believe the three of us will be friends forever, even though Zach is going away and I don’t know if he and Lucy will stay together, and if they don’t stay together, then I don’t know if the friendship can survive their break-up, and it feels like we’re on the precipice of so much change that it seems impossible we’ll all hold ourselves together as we are now.
Lucy, suddenly, sits up, groaning. ‘I feel awful,’ she says, squinting at us groggily.
‘Shhhh. Lie back down,’ Zach says.
‘Where am I?’ she asks.
‘In Natalie’s bed. You’re with us,’ Zach says.
‘Both of us,’ I say.
‘Good, good,’ Lucy says, lying down again, closing her eyes, and falling straight back to sleep.
33
Bert and Ernie
I knock on the door, feeling oddly formal. I’ve never been inside Alex’s bedroom. I’ve walked past it countless times, I’ve looked into it, I’ve avoided looking into it, and I’ve mostly not thought about it until now, this very moment, when it feels like the scariest place in the world.
‘Who is it?’ Alex sounds gruff.
‘Me.’
He doesn’t answer.
‘Natalie,’ I say, as the door opens.
‘I know who “me” is,’ he says. He looks sleepy and rumpled, like I’ve just woken him up.
‘Can we talk?’ I say.
He nods and takes a step back and I walk into the room. I can’t make any small talk because I’ve been rehearsing what I’m going to say to Alex in my head all morning, and if I say anything else, I’ll forget the stuff I need to say.
‘How’s Lucy?’ he asks, leaning against his desk.
‘She’s good,’ I say, hovering near the door. This isn’t true. She’s hungover, still fighting with her parents, and her future with Zach is looking very shaky.
‘That’s good.’
I take a step forward and stand in the middle of his room. It’s surprisingly less messy than mine, in fact, it’s hardly messy at all. It’s clean and organised, and he didn’t even know I was coming over. Which means I need to completely re-evaluate everything I think about us both as individuals and if we are a couple. Maybe he’s the Bert and I’m actually the Ernie.
He’s looking at me expectantly.
‘Okay, so, what I wanted to say is…about us…is that we should…’
Not even a sentence in, and I’m prattling nonsensically. The monologue I had in my head pops like a bubble, gone in seconds. Alex raises his eyebrows. I clear my throat. ‘This is