said something about a survey team and the height of floodwaters, but all Jude heard were his last words. The pencil snapped in his hands as Jude finally grasped Tom’s meaning, Louise’s sobs nearly drowning him out as Rob asked Tom to repeat them.
Tom said, “A survey team have found some wreckage,” and Jude’s whole world stopped turning.
32
“This is stupid,” Jude said, the wind outside cooling his hot face while waves lashed against the far end of the harbour. “So bloody stupid. I don’t know why I’m crying,” he gulped, angry, dashing away tears he had no control over and zero power to stop falling. “We all knew they had to be dead. Wreckage finally turning up solves a lot of problems.” He drew in a breath that staggered so his next words were breathless. “I’ll call the coroner tomorrow. I’ll do it as soon as Tom sends more details.” More tears seeped. “For fuck sake.” He pressed the heels of his palms into his eye sockets, pressing so hard that the horizon blurred once he dropped his hands. “It’s so stupid that I—”
“That you what?” Rob stood behind him again, like he had done since Tom’s phone call, arms around Jude’s middle, with one hand over his belly and the other exactly where it felt like his chest must now gape wide open. “Tell me, Jude.”
“I just…” Jude wiped at his face again. “Fuck, saying it is so stupid.”
“Saying what?”
Jude didn’t—couldn’t—answer.
Rob murmured just loud enough to hear over the waves and gulls. “You’re allowed to be upset,” Rob promised. “This has been a long time coming. You’ve been amazing, both of you. At least with my mum… well, we knew, and we got to say goodbye to each other, and if Dad and I reacted differently, maybe I can see now why he kept so busy. But you two have been in a holding pattern of having no news for a long time.” His quick kiss to the back of Jude’s neck was cool against skin that felt hot enough to blister. “Both you and Lou kept going and going and going, no matter what, no matter how far apart you were. Both of you kept hoping. Being emotional now is normal.”
“That’s not what I’m feeling stupid about. Mad about. I-don’t-even-know-what about.”
“What do you mean?” Rob shivered against his back but showed no sign of letting go until Jude was ready.
Jude tried to swallow around a vain wish that now seemed to choke him. “You said that we both kept hope, right up until now.” He let out another hitching breath before asking. “It’s stupid to still hope, isn’t it? Despite everything?”
Rob’s hands which had rubbed in soothing circles over Jude’s chest now stilled. He asked, “Because your dad could fix anything in his boatshed? And because your mum was once a nurse who knew how to cook whole meals from rock pools and hedgerows?” He sounded nearly as choked as Jude felt, his next words thick with what could be laughter if he didn’t sound so gutted. “Like both of them chucking their kids over the sea wall meant they had to be great sea swimmers as well?”
“Yeah,” Jude blurted, hope that had been lodged between his ribs for so long still firmly embedded. He couldn’t shift it, even now; especially now. He knew he must sound desperate. “I can’t stop thinking that if anyone could survive capsizing… If anyone might have to swim to safety… Set up camp, light a fire and find ways to collect fresh water… If I just keep looking…” he turned in Rob’s arms, face wedged against his throat, his voice hoarse. “I’d get to tell them.”
“About?”
“Me. And about you.” He looked up to find Rob’s face just as tear-streaked as his must be. “And about what you and Lou have done with the Anchor.” Once he started, the words kept coming, unstoppable instead of dammed by that old wall of shame inside him, a tide that spilt now, endless, flooding over its top to drench him. “I didn’t get to tell them about Marc not being gay, or that he painted Lou like a French girl, or about Susan beating cancer and Carl turning into a massive softy. They don’t know about how special Betsy is to you, or why, or about your dad being almost as much as a dickhead as you, who keeps trying to say sorry by giving you restaurants and Range Rovers that you throw back at him,