was hopeless.
Sure, earlier she had wanted to kiss him. But now that she had time to think about it, she’d probably realized they were all wrong for each other.
He fell silent, all the things he’d wanted to say, didn’t seem to be enough.
Chapter 22
Athena tried to remember all of the arguments she had against being with Preston.
Why was she so tempted to forget them?
Tempted to throw away her common sense and everything she knew to be right, and just take a risk.
Thankfully, before she could say anything, he started speaking again.
“I thought about trying to be somebody I’m not. Somebody better. When you’d asked me to pray, I’ve been in church enough I could pray a really good prayer. It would sound authentic, and I think I could have fooled you. But...that’s not really where I am with the Lord right now, and even though I think that was another lesson that I needed to learn — that God is in control, and no one lives or dies without God’s sovereignty orchestrating everything — I didn’t think it was right.”
“Really? You learned that?”
“Of course.” He nodded, and something fluttered in the area of her heart. “My life, the risks I’ve taken, there’s no reason I should have survived. I questioned for a long time why I did and Shane didn’t. But, if God has the very hairs on our head numbered, he’s got our breaths numbered too. And nothing I can do will change that. Even suicide. God has to allow it. How many foiled suicide attempts have there been?”
“I don’t want to think about that.”
“That’s just it. Sometimes we have to think about the hard things. Face them. Walk through them. With our eyes open, looking around and learning what we’re supposed to.”
“Face your fear.”
“Yeah. Just like that. As soon as Deacon said to start looking for the lessons, they showed up everywhere. Up until Shane died, I had thought I was invincible. We all did. I came face-to-face with my own mortality, and realized in just a couple of seconds, it could have been me.” He let out a shaky breath.
She wanted to put her arms around him.
“Talk about a long climb down off the wall.”
“I bet. Long and hard. For a lot of different reasons.”
“You’re telling me. Because of what we knew was at the bottom. Because of what we’d just witnessed. Because of what we’d just realized about ourselves.”
“I think you’re right. You have really put some thought into that.”
“Deacon raked me over the coals; he forced me to open my eyes, and face my stupidity. I already had decided to quit drinking because of Liam, but I don’t know if I could have stuck with it, because the pain hadn’t gone away. It got worse when I gave up the bottle.”
“I see. There was a choice to stop drinking, and then there was Deacon showing you how to handle it without the alcohol.”
“Yeah. Without that, I might not have made it. I still might not.”
She felt like he was being as honest as he could be with her. Almost brutally so. He hadn’t had to say that.
She stopped. He turned to face her.
“I can’t pretend anything else,” he said.
“I appreciate it.” The fluttering had gotten stronger, and she thought it might be hope.
But it might be fear too. Because she needed to take a risk.
“It’s kind of ironic, that you quit taking risks, and I feel like maybe I’m about to take one myself.”
His eyes flinched, and she wasn’t sure exactly what that meant.
“In what way?” he asked, cautiously.
“I still want to kiss you.”
Talk about taking risks. That had been hard. She had no idea how he felt. He might have been warning her away because he’d decided he didn’t want her.
“I haven’t changed my mind either.”
That was a relief. But she had to do more. He wasn’t going to pretend to be anything he wasn’t, and she had to be honest as well.
“I don’t go around kissing just anyone.”
“I didn’t think you did.”
“I don’t want just kissing.”
Long seconds ticked by, while he seemed to process the implications of what she said. She had no idea where his mind was going, so she added some more.
“I guess I’ve never felt you should walk into a relationship thinking anything less than it’s a serious thing, with long-term implications. I don’t play relationship games.”
“I know. I don’t want to anymore. I did a lot of stupid things, and stupid things typically do nothing but leave big regrets.”
She