we need to cut ourselves more slack?” Athena said.
“I don’t like that idea. I want to think I’m better. I want to think I could have done the hard things. That even though someone was unkind to me, I could have shown kindness in return. I just did the easier thing because...it’s easier. Looking back now, maybe especially with Liam, but with anyone who has memories of me, I want them to remember me as someone who thought beyond myself. And I’m afraid they won’t.” She brushed at her lap, even though there was no dirt on it. “I guess we kinda get in a rut, and we just do what we always do. In some cases, because we don’t know anything else, and in some cases, because we’re scared.”
Athena nodded, looking back over the pond where the ducks crowded around Liam and Preston. Liam had moved closer to his dad, wasn’t exactly pressing into him, but was much closer than he had been, as though eyeing the ducks with a bit of fear.
Athena could tell him that there was nothing to be afraid of, but he probably wouldn’t believe her.
He didn’t know that for sure himself, and he almost needed to learn it before he would be unafraid.
Some people never got over their fear, even though it was unjustified.
“But sometimes, fear is a good thing. It keeps us from making mistakes that are stupid and that would hurt us. Without fear, we’d rush into things and regret them. In a multitude of ways.”
Fear was what kept her from going all in with Preston.
Would he go back to being an alcoholic?
The first time things didn’t work out in his life, or the tenth time—because there were going to be a lot of hard times and trials in his life from now until whenever he died if he lived any length of time—would he have a setback? Would he turn to alcohol? Would she be making a wrong decision?
“That’s true. There’s no magic trick to know when our fears are justified and when they’re not.”
“I guess you’re right. Although, we can ask ourselves if it’s worth it. You know. The consequences. Are they really as bad as what we think they are?”
“That’s exactly what I was thinking. That I avoided doing things, because I was afraid, the things I didn’t do because I was selfish. And really, what’s a mistake? We say we failed, for example, a ‘failed’ marriage, but it’s not necessarily a failure as much as we can look at it as a learning experience. We figured out what not to do. And now we know. Right?”
“I guess. But when there’s children involved, think of Liam and the consequences of you splitting up with who he thought his father was. It hurt and was painful. Something he probably will never get over.”
“That’s true, but so many kids who are from divorced parents have determined in their hearts they won’t do that themselves. Maybe he’ll work harder at his marriage because of seeing me fail and knowing how that feels. I’m not saying I want to see him go through painful things. I don’t. I don’t want to see him go through the death of his mother. But those hard things will make him a better person. If he allows it to.”
Athena knew she was right. In a lot of ways. To not do something because one was afraid of failing was not looking at failure in the right way. One should be looking at it as a learning experience. Still, the human condition was such that they tried to avoid pain and too much work.
Two things that needed to be faced head-on if one was to get to the end of one’s life and not have regrets.
Maybe it was the warm sun, or maybe she’d just done too much, but Joyce fell silent. It wasn’t too much later when Athena looked over and saw that she was sleeping.
She took the small pillow that had been sitting on her lap and tucked it under her head so her neck wasn’t bent quite so far, and then she lifted her own face to the sun and thought about her life, and the things that she wanted to do, and the idea of getting to the end of it and stepping into heaven with confidence that God would look at her and say, “Well done.”
Chapter 16
Sunday morning, Preston padded down the steps early, intent on getting the coffeepot going and not much