knew I sounded strung out, and there was no helping that.
But when Sofia spoke she sounded a lot better than she did last night. “Hey, just wanted to tell you that the CPS workers already came by. They were here at 7:00 a.m. sharp. But we were ready for them.” I could tell the visit had gone well, but I could barely muster up anything more than a grunt. “They loved how clean everything was and that Blue had her own space. You know how she is, she was showing them all her toys and she had on her cowboys boots.”
“That’s good, hon.” I sounded like death. “I’m glad. Whenever they call me, you know I’ll have a lot to say about how great of a mom you are. Once I’m back in New York I’ll—”
I literally gasped for air at the thought of never seeing Julia again. Or worse, being the cause for Julia being back in New York herself, hating me. Because that’s what would happen after today and maybe it already had: she would fucking hate me.
“Rocco, what’s wrong?”
The lightness in Sofia’s voice was completely gone now, her focus on me. “Nothing, sis. I’m fine.” I didn’t sound fine, and she obviously could tell.
“Did something happen with you and Julia?”
“I have to go, Sofia, but don’t worry. This promotion is happening, no matter what. We’re getting that place in Westchester.”
“What are you going to do?” The tinge of panic in her voice, the worry for me, gnawed at me, but I could not deviate from this plan.
“I’m giving my recommendation to the board today. I’m going to tell them they should consider cutting funding for the foundation.”
I heard my sister suck in a breath. “Is that what you think they should do?”
“It’s what I need to do. Sofia, we got to get out of New York.”
“So you’re going to risk Julia losing her job and hating you, so you can move me and Blue out of the city? No. You can’t do that.”
I gripped my phone hard, wishing she would just let this go. Let me fucking do this. “No. I am doing what I was sent here to do.”
“Is that what you think they should do? Cut those programs?”
I ran a shaky hand over my head, feeling desperate and so fucking alone. “It’s not about what I want. Who cares what I think? This is the way it needs to be.”
“No, it’s the way you think you need to do it, so you can get that promotion.” She scoffed, and I could hear the stubborn set in her voice. “You’re not doing it. You’re not risking your relationship and your conscience over this. We’ll be fine. We can find a cheaper place to live. Blue and I will go wherever. We’ll go to Texas.” She laughed nervously, but once that little glimmer of hope sparkled in my chest, it wound not go out.
I breathed out heavily, feeling like the world was on my shoulders. “I’m an employee, Sofia. If I don’t do what I’m supposed to, I will get fired. I’m not indispensable and I need this job. You know that.”
She sighed too, and now that she had said it, I couldn’t get the idea of her and Blue in Dallas out of my head. “Please, bro. You’ve been happy these past months. You’re always sacrificing yourself. Please don’t do this.”
“Sofia, this is what I’m here for. To do this for us.” I was trying to convince myself as much as her.
“No, stop it. Your life isn’t about doing stuff for me. What about you? What about your happiness?”
“I just want to do the right thing.” If only I knew what that was anymore. I thought about Julia and how bad I’d fucked things up with her. How doing my job was starting to feel like selling my soul. And then there were Sofia and Blue and the obligations I had to them. I felt like I was getting torn in four different directions.
“What about what is right for you? For your heart, Rocco? Have you ever thought that if you pick yourself we can be there for you too?” I wanted to say no. That I was her brother and that it was my job to help her, but God I needed someone to hold me up right now.
I looked at the time and realized I was going to be late. “I don’t know if I’ll have the guts to risk my job, sis, but