weren’t far enough for their parents’ influence to wane, but I chickened out. I didn’t want to hear it when he told me he didn’t want to do it. That my being there wasn’t enough of a reason for him to leave New York behind.
“Lita, where did you go, mija?”
“Sorry, Mami.” I tried to remember what she’d asked me. “Yeah, I’ll miss you guys too. We have plans for New Year’s with the Exiles, so I just wanted to make sure I didn’t forget the dress I wore for Nochebuena, in case I want to use it.”
“He really likes you.” The tone in my mother’s voice made it clear that she was well aware of the way things were between Rocco and me. I’d tried not to be obvious, but I’d caught him looking at me like he wanted to tear me apart a few times, over the sancocho. I was sure I’d been looking at him the same way all night, and neither of my parents was blind—nor was my grandmother, for that matter.
“I like him. He’s been a good friend.”
My mother dipped her head and gave me a lopsided smile, which I knew meant that she was seeing right through me. She sat on the bed and began folding clothes, without looking at me.
“Friends, you say? I never knew you kissed your friends the way you were kissing that man on our porch, mija.”
Damn Rocco and his irresistible mouth.
“Mami, it’s complicated, okay? He has to stick around here. His relationship with his parents is really hard and it’s taking a toll on his sister and his niece. He’s got a plan to get a place in Westchester. I’m in Dallas. Long distance doesn’t work; he can’t just change the plans he has with his sister. I don’t even want him to. So it’s pointless.”
“Okay, so why can’t you come back here?” The hopeful note in her voice almost killed me.
I shook my head and zipped up my bag a little more forcefully than necessary. “I’m not doing that. I’m not moving across the country for a man ever again.”
My mother looked at me with such concern. I hoped that she had a way to fix it, because I was out of ideas that didn’t involve me hating myself in the end. “Mija, don’t let what Matt did dictate your life. I’m not going to act like I wouldn’t love to have you closer, but believe me that’s not the reason why I’m saying you could always come back.”
I sat down next to her, not knowing what to say. How to explain all the conflicting feelings inside me. I wanted to be the kind of person who wasn’t swept away by a feeling or my need for someone. I wanted to be someone who could stick to my plan and not be unraveled by a relationship.
“Mami, I can’t keep uprooting my life to follow men. I can’t.” My voice broke then, from how fucking agonizing all this felt. “What about me? What about my loyalty to myself and my own needs?”
She nodded and held my hand. “Of course, baby, that’s the most important thing—being happy with yourself. But it’s more than Rocco, although...the way he looks at you, sweetheart. That’s not easy to walk away from.” She rolled her eyes and looked toward the open door. “Your abuelita is smitten. Esos ojos azules.” We both laughed at my grandmother’s swooning for Rocco’s blue eyes. “What I meant was, you seemed happy in Dallas. You love your job, the friends you’ve made. You made a life there, honey. You found yourself in a bad situation and you really made the best of it. I just want you to know that you don’t have to feel like you can’t come back here just because the last move didn’t work the way you thought it would.”
I didn’t know what to say.
“Thanks, Mami.”
My mom got up then and left the room. I thought she was just letting me be but a moment later she came back with my dad, and he looked like he was primed to give me one of his “talks.”
When they were in lecture mode, it was better to just let them say their piece.
“Oh, God. Is this about to become a ‘Growth Moment’?”
My father was not amused. “Yes, it is, young lady. Just because you’re grown and living in another state doesn’t mean your parents can’t still tell you what’s what.”
My mom held my hand and looked at my